I look like a bitch because I stand up for myself. I am not quiet when someone betrays me. I will cut others out of my world without feeling guilty when they cross a line, because I have respect for myself. I have high standards and high expectations. I am not the kind to settle.
I look like a bitch because my ‘politeness’ is something you have to earn from me. If you give me nasty looks and speak down to me, then I am going to return the treatment. I do not have the energy to fake smiles around people who clearly do not value my existence. I am not going to pretend to like you in order to make you more comfortable, especially when you have already made me feel uncomfortable.
I look like a bitch because my quietness can come across as snobbiness and my loudness can come across as cockiness. It’s easy to misjudge me when you don’t know a single thing about me. It’s easy to assume that my sarcasm is genuine and that I mean it when I say I don’t give a fuck about what anybody thinks of me.
The truth that only the people closest to me have learned is that I am not heartless. I am secretly sensitive. I get my feelings hurt easily which is why I keep my guard up around people I hardly know. I try to keep my distance to avoid potential pain.
If you really get to know me (and you treat me with kindness) then you will see my soft heart. I might come across as intense at first, but I am open-minded and understanding. I am the kind of person who will listen to you vent for hours and will try to give you advice, but will never make you feel stupid or insecure about whatever mistakes you have made.
I might come across as selfish, but there have been times when I sacrificed my time and money in order to help someone in need. There have been moments when I placed myself last because I was busy placing everyone else first. I hate most people — but I would do anything for certain people.
I might come across as cold because there are friends and family members that I no longer associate with, but what you don’t know is that I gave out dozens of chances before I made my final decision and walked away forever. Even though I claim I never think about those people anymore, that I am happier without their toxicity, there is still a part of me that misses them. There are still nights when I dream about them and wake up with tears on my pillowcase.
I might look like a bitch, but acting like I don’t give a damn about anyone is the way I survive. I pretend nothing can hurt me. I pretend I am stronger than I feel. But if you get to know me, you’ll realize my selfish, egotistical attitude is only an act. I have a soft heart. I just don’t like to expose it.