I Feel Better Without You Weighing Me Down

I Feel Better Without You Weighing Me Down
Unsplash / Roberto Delgado Webb

Your absence feels like freedom.

My stress has decreased significantly without you around. It’s easier for me to break my bad habits because there is nothing pushing me toward self-destruction. I can actually breathe without your poison slipping down my throat, suffocating me. I can see the goodness in the world again.

Without you around, the clouds covering my self-worth are starting to dissipate. I am able to see my value instead of dwelling on my insecurities. I feel stronger than ever before because my heart is still beating without you.

The guilt about leaving has vanished. I am able to think of you without tears misting my eyes. When I hear your name, there is no part of me that misses you, because I accept what happened and am ready to rediscover myself. I have abandoned my regrets. I have dropped my baggage at my doorstep and am fighting to move forward without it.

I feel so much better without you weighing me down. It’s nice to come home to a place where I actually feel safe. It’s nice to smile at the notifications on my phone instead of nervously checking to see what nasty words were said. It’s nice to feel like I am my own person instead of a criminal chained to a cell.

I cannot believe how much my world has changed by taking you out of it. Everything is different now — but the changes are good ones, the kind found in fairy tales.

For such a long time, you eclipsed my happiness. You made it impossible for me to see the beauty in the world and within myself. Every single day felt like a battlefield. I felt like I was fighting to stay alive, not actually enjoying life. Whenever I woke up, I just wanted to get through the next twenty-four hours. That was my only goal.

I was unhappy with myself and unhappy with you — and even when you left the room, I was still unhappy, because I knew it was only temporary. I knew you would return soon.

Because of the unfair way you treated me, I lost friends. I lost my independence. I lost my backbone.

There were moments when I hated you for what you put me through and moments when I felt horrible for blaming you. However, I think I’m finished with the five stages of grief because most of the anger is gone. So is the sadness.

Now, I mostly feel sorry for you. I feel bad that you are never going to experience the success and happiness and relief that I have felt during these past few months. I feel bad that you are always going to be such a miserable person, angry at the world because you are too stubborn to admit you are secretly angry at yourself. I feel bad that you have to live the rest of your life without me, because I know my absence is killing you inside.

I don’t know if you deserve that pain. But I know I deserve this happiness. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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