Your absence feels like freedom.
My stress has decreased significantly without you around. It’s easier for me to break my bad habits because there is nothing pushing me toward self-destruction. I can actually breathe without your poison slipping down my throat, suffocating me. I can see the goodness in the world again.
Without you around, the clouds covering my self-worth are starting to dissipate. I am able to see my value instead of dwelling on my insecurities. I feel stronger than ever before because my heart is still beating without you.
The guilt about leaving has vanished. I am able to think of you without tears misting my eyes. When I hear your name, there is no part of me that misses you, because I accept what happened and am ready to rediscover myself. I have abandoned my regrets. I have dropped my baggage at my doorstep and am fighting to move forward without it.
I feel so much better without you weighing me down. It’s nice to come home to a place where I actually feel safe. It’s nice to smile at the notifications on my phone instead of nervously checking to see what nasty words were said. It’s nice to feel like I am my own person instead of a criminal chained to a cell.
I cannot believe how much my world has changed by taking you out of it. Everything is different now — but the changes are good ones, the kind found in fairy tales.
For such a long time, you eclipsed my happiness. You made it impossible for me to see the beauty in the world and within myself. Every single day felt like a battlefield. I felt like I was fighting to stay alive, not actually enjoying life. Whenever I woke up, I just wanted to get through the next twenty-four hours. That was my only goal.
I was unhappy with myself and unhappy with you — and even when you left the room, I was still unhappy, because I knew it was only temporary. I knew you would return soon.
Because of the unfair way you treated me, I lost friends. I lost my independence. I lost my backbone.
There were moments when I hated you for what you put me through and moments when I felt horrible for blaming you. However, I think I’m finished with the five stages of grief because most of the anger is gone. So is the sadness.
Now, I mostly feel sorry for you. I feel bad that you are never going to experience the success and happiness and relief that I have felt during these past few months. I feel bad that you are always going to be such a miserable person, angry at the world because you are too stubborn to admit you are secretly angry at yourself. I feel bad that you have to live the rest of your life without me, because I know my absence is killing you inside.
I don’t know if you deserve that pain. But I know I deserve this happiness.