I Don’t Know Why I Keep Getting My Hopes Up

Hope
Unsplash / Sarandy Westfall

I keep wondering what would happen if I gave you another chance. Not that you deserve one. Your chances have already run dry. You made your priorities clear a long time ago. You showed me what type of person you are deep down inside.

Even though my head is telling me to keep my distance, to remember all of the psychotic things you have done in the past, my heart refuses to accept what I have seen.

I still think of you as a good person, even though you have proven otherwise. When I picture you, I see an idealized version, the version I liked best. The pain you caused me is never the first thing to come to mind. I think of the good memories instead.

I don’t want to think about you, I don’t want to care about you, I don’t want to love you, but I do. I have a reoccurring daydream about us reuniting, about us finding a way to patch up our differences and get along.

I hate that daydream. I hate when I do this to myself. I don’t want to get my hopes up because history is going to repeat itself soon. If I let myself believe that you are going to treat me differently this time, that you are going to do better, then I am going to get hurt again once you fail to follow through. I am going to end up feeling stupid, just like the last time and the time before that.

I keep staying even though you keep giving me reasons to leave. Despite what my instincts are telling me, I want to see the best in you. I want to believe everything will be okay between us if I fight hard enough.

I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to accept you are never going to change. I don’t know why I have so much faith in you when you have done nothing to earn it.

I’m annoyed with myself, because this situation should not be confusing. My goal should be simple. Leave you behind and never look back.

But it is not that easy because you are always going to be in the back of my mind. You are not someone I can forget. It doesn’t matter when I leave, because I am always going to be wondering whether I should have stayed a little while longer, whether I should have put in a little more effort.

I would love to give you another chance, because walking away is the last thing I want to do, but I cannot get my hopes up again. I cannot go through the pain of losing you again. I cannot do that to myself. It would hurt too much. I don’t know how I would recover from it.

I’m sorry that things didn’t work out between us, but it isn’t fair for me to put myself through even more pain. You can’t expect me to keep waiting for you to change. TC mark

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