I Am Not Going To Thank You For Hurting Me

I wish I could say thank you for showing me what I do not deserve. Thank you for teaching me so many lessons through heartbreak. Thank you for hurting me. 

But that would be bullshit.

I don’t think everything you have put me through turned me into a better person. I think it made me an angrier person. A bitter person. A broken person.

You messed with my head. You taught me to act more selfish because the only person who is going to look out for me is myself. You taught me to run away before getting too close to anyone because they are going to leave eventually. You taught me to doubt every word that comes out of every mouth because people are liars, they will say whatever makes them look better, whatever will help them get away with more.

Because of you, I am skeptical. I am paranoid. I am heartless.

I don’t want to be this way. I liked myself better before. You changed me into a shell of a person. You changed me into someone more like you.

I wish that I was thankful for what you put me through — but I hate you for what you put me through. I hate you for your lies. I hate you for your manipulation. I hate you for acting like you were going to change, getting my hopes up, and then disappointing me once again.

Most of all, I hate you for choosing yourself over everyone else, even the ones who loved you most of all.

Even if you did turn me into someone tougher, someone with a backbone who takes less shit, I am not going to thank you for that. I am not going to thank you for screaming in the middle of the night. I am not going to thank you for making fun of me over my insecurities. I am not going to thank you for cheating. I am not going to thank you for being a horrible human being.

You do not deserve any congratulations. What you did is not okay and I am not coming out of our relationship okay. I am a wreck.

I don’t know how I’m going to enter any healthy relationships in the future after dealing with you for so long. The baggage you gave me is never going to disappear. Your voice is always going to be lodged in the back of my mind. I am never going to fully trust someone because of you. I am never going to let my heart explore because of you. You ruined everything and you don’t even feel guilty about it.

Maybe I am acting childish. Maybe I need to grow up. Maybe I am too immature to see the silver lining, the beauty in my own pain. But I did not deserve to go through everything you forced me through, so I am not going to thank you for tearing my heart from my chest. I am going to say fuck you instead.