I never kissed you, because as strong and independent as I always claim to be, I considered it your responsibility. I thought that, if you liked me enough, then you would take the next step. I was waiting for you. That’s why I spent so much time staring at your lips, flicking my eyes up to yours, silently praying you would close the gap between us. I gave you hints. I erected green flags. I was eager for you to take the bait but you never did.
Maybe you were oblivious, maybe my signals weren’t as clear as I thought they were — but that possibility never entered my mind at the time. At the time, I assumed you saw the signals and ignored them because you didn’t want me in the same ways I wanted you (namely on my bed, against the wall, atop the kitchen counters, inside your crease dented car).
There were other reasons, too. I bounced around the idea of making the first move in my mind, but I never went through with it. I was worried about disturbing the magic between us. I didn’t want to ruin our chemistry. I didn’t want to get greedy and reach for more of you than you were offering. I didn’t want our dynamic to change. I didn’t want your texts to stop or your compliments to weaken. I liked the way things were between us, even though I kept craving more.
There were a million different times when I wanted to kiss you. When the topic turned serious and your voice softened. When we hugged goodbye and held each other too long for friendship. When we shared silences that felt more intense than the deepest conversations.
Whenever you smiled, whenever you laughed, whenever your eyes rolled or your brows raised or your body moved — every time I saw you, I wanted your lips on mine. I wanted you closer. Closer. Closer. You were always too far. Even when we shared a room, hands on hands, it was too far.
I never said that aloud, though. I assumed you knew how I was feeling. I felt like the emotions were scribbled across my face, written out for the world to see.
We kissed in my daydreams and even the ones at night that I had no control over — but we never kissed in reality and it’s partially my fault. I should be taking some of the blame.
We never kissed because I was a coward. I was worried about rejection. I was afraid you would turn your head and try to let me down easy with an explanation about how you weren’t ready for a relationship.
But mostly, we never kissed because I was stupid. I always thought there would be another chance. I thought the better moment would be tomorrow. I thought the longer I waited to kiss you, the more heart-stopping it would be. I didn’t realize waiting was the worst thing to do. I didn’t realize I would eventually end up losing you.