I was brave enough to let my guard down — I gave someone full access to my heart and soul — and I got screwed over. I shouldn’t have been so trusting. I shouldn’t have allowed myself to be vulnerable.
I should have kept up my cool girl act. I should have left the walls around my heart. I would have been better off alone, keeping to myself, refusing to put myself out there.
But I took a leap. I believed it when others told me love would be worth the risk. I wandered away from my comfort zone. I put my days of pushing-other-people-away behind me.
For the first time in my life, against my better instincts, I trusted someone not to hurt me. I convinced myself that they weren’t going anywhere and I should shove my abandonment issues to the side.
My new way of thinking was good for a while. I was happy. I was light-headed. I was free from the paranoia that usually plagues me.
But then everything came crashing down. When it was over, it hurt so much worse than I ever imagined.
I usually prepare myself for heartbreak. I usually protect myself by assuming the worst case scenario is going to occur. But this time I forced myself to act optimistic. I thought like a romantic. So when the relationship ended, I was blindsided. I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t know how to react, I didn’t know who I was.
This person was able to walk away with all of my secrets, because I never held anything back from them. I was completely transparent when we were together. It took a while for me to get used to sharing myself with someone, but I eventually succeeded. I sliced my chest open and let them dig through my insides. They knew every single thing about me — including how they could hurt me the worst.
Looking back, I feel like an idiot. I feel like it was wrong of me to give them so much information, so much time, and so much effort when it was eventually going to end like every other relationship has. I feel like I was fooling myself.
It’s funny, because when we were together, I finally realized why people allow themselves to be vulnerable in love. I finally understood the benefits of bearing your soul to someone.
But now that we’re apart, I remember why I always pushed other people away. I remember why I never let myself grow close to anybody. It’s because I never wanted to go through this type of pain, I never wanted to experience this heartache, I never wanted to show someone the real me and then be told it isn’t enough.
I never wanted to let someone this deep into my world — but I took a chance for them and I don’t even think they appreciate it. I don’t think they have any idea how hard this was for me. I don’t think they care at all.