When someone gives signals they are interested in me, I am oblivious. I assume they are only being nice when they are flirting — and on the rare occasions when I actually admit to myself that they are flirting, I convince myself that they are only bored. That they aren’t interested in anything more than a fun night out.
I cannot imagine someone falling for me. I cannot fathom a world where a guy would choose to be with me over all of his other options. Entering a happy relationship does not sound believable. It sounds unrealistic.
My insecurities shatter my self-confidence and without any sense of self-worth I cannot bring myself to flirt. I cannot conjure up the courage to walk over to someone I find attractive and initiate a conversation with them because I assume they won’t want anything to do with me. I assume they are going to give me one-word answers until I get the hint and walk away from them.
I feel like I am not relationship material, because even when someone approaches me and makes the first move, I am awkward. I am hesitant to believe their compliments because they sound phony. I don’t see myself as beautiful, so I have trouble accepting how anyone else could.
I am the kind of person who would need reassurance that someone loves me, even if they agreed to marry me. Even if we had children together. Even if we spent a lifetime with each other.
My trust issues are extreme. I do not believe anyone will stay. I am in a constant state of paranoia that I am going to be abandoned for someone prettier, younger, livelier, sweeter. I have a fear of growing attached to anyone because I don’t want to be blindsided when they leave.
That is why I have taught myself to expect the worst. I assume people will ghost me. I assume conversations are going to go poorly. I assume flirtatious texts are never going to lead to anything serious.
My insecurities have convinced me that I am forever alone and I have accepted that fact. I have settled into a life without dates, without kisses, without cuddling. I am used to being alone. I might not be entirely happy this way, but I am comfortable.
When someone actually shows interest in dating me, I do not know how to handle myself. Sometimes I run away out of fear I will screw everything up. I will ignore texts. I will cancel plans. I will push people away because I never learned how to do the opposite.
I am at a loss when it comes to romance. I don’t know how to be sweet instead of sarcastic. I don’t know how to dress for a first date because I would rather wear sweats. I don’t know the right words to say to seduce someone or the right moves to make when I want them to know I like them too.
I am too insecure to win someone over on a date. I am too insecure to write a witty text back. I am too insecure to be myself because I am busy wishing I was anybody else.