I Thought We Would Date

Maybe I thought we were going to date because of the way you would text me randomly throughout the day, just to say that you missed hanging out with me and wanted to meet up again soon. Maybe it’s because every time we were alone in a room together, the sexual tension would send my stomach into a frenzy. Maybe it’s because whenever other people were around, they would make comments about how we behaved like an old married couple and would ask when we were finally going to get together. Maybe it’s because you would compliment me on my appearance — from my hair to my eyes to my outfits — but would also compliment me on my sense of humor and the way I looked at the world. Maybe it’s because you made me feel alive after such a long period of numbness.

Maybe I thought we were going to date because you asked other people about me when I wasn’t around and the words got back to me. Maybe it’s because you invited me back to your place where we could hang out one-on-one without any interruptions from outsiders because we wanted to spend the time together. Maybe it’s because you bought me food and refused to take my money when I tried to pay you back. Maybe it’s because you offered me your jacket when I was sick and you noticed me shivering. Maybe it’s because you grabbed my hand to keep me steady after I had drank a little too much and was becoming wobbly. Maybe it’s because you sounded jealous whenever I mentioned another boy, even if he was only a friend.

Maybe I thought we were going to date because you remembered my birthday and my favorite foods, even though I only told you once. Maybe it’s because you called me on the phone instead of texting me like everybody else does. Maybe it’s because you would tease me with inside jokes that no one else would understand. Maybe it’s because you liked every single one of the photos I posted online and left comments about how pretty I looked. Maybe it’s because every text had a cutesy emoji with winks or hearts. Maybe it’s because you would sit with your legs or your arms brushing up against mine. Maybe it’s because you used the most obvious excuses to touch me, like to tickle me or compare our hand sizes.

Maybe I thought we were going to date because every single time I saw you, we made each other laugh about something ridiculous. Maybe it’s because we hinted at our feelings but never actually said the words aloud, which made every conversation sexier. Maybe it’s because seeing you — even if it was only for only a few minutes — was the highlight of each week. Maybe it’s because I assumed you felt as strongly about me as I felt about you. Maybe it’s because I so badly wanted to believe we were going to become a couple that I convinced myself it would happen. Maybe it’s because I was fooling myself — or maybe it’s because you liked me too.