I Hope You Are Miserable Without Me

I wish I was someone who could forgive and forget, someone who could say the pain you brought me was a lesson I am lucky to have learned — but that is not the case.

I want revenge. I want to make you feel as horrible as you have made me feel. I want you to suffer the same way you made me suffer.

Unfortunately, that is impossible. I will never be able to recreate the anxiety you gave me, the sleepless nights, the pain that followed me around like a shadow.

Besides, I am not a manipulative person. I am not like you. I could never hurt you in the same ways you hurt me.

That is why my revenge comes in the form of disappearing.

My revenge is cutting you out of my world.

My revenge is stopping you from ever seeing my face again.

My revenge is removing myself from a toxic situation and having you know I am happier without you here.

I hope you are miserable without me. I hope you hate yourself for what you put me through. I hope it starts to dawn on you that you lost a person who cared about you, a person who gave you a million chances, a person who fought their hardest to make things work with you.

I hope you understand that losing me means you fucked up — bad — because I stayed through a lot. I was willing to endure pain that I never deserved. But I finally decided that I had had enough.

Now that I am gone, I hope you keep staring down at your phone, wondering whether I have read any of your messages or whether I have blocked your number.

I hope you are disappointed during every holiday and every birthday that passes without a phone call or a card.

I hope you look through my social media from time to time because it’s the closest you are ever going to get to seeing me again. I hope you hate how happy I look now that I am freed from your toxicity, now that I am on my own, now that I am finally living my best life without you.

I would love to be the bigger person and say that I have no hard feelings for everything you put me through, but that would be a lie. You did some horrible, horrible things and there should be consequences to your actions. You shouldn’t get away with treating other people like your playthings.

Maybe it’s wrong of me to hoard this much anger inside, but I am still pissed about what you put me through. No amount of time is going to take away the baggage that you have brought me. The scars you left are going to be on my skin forever.

If I have to live with the memories of what you put me through, then the least you could do is live with the pain of knowing you are never going to see me again.