I Am Tired Of Trying

tired
Unsplash / Roberto Nickson

I feel burned out. Overwhelmed. Exhausted.

I have been trying my hardest to be the best girlfriend I can be, the best friend I can be, the best worker I can be — but it’s been difficult to reach my own standards. I feel like I have been failing myself lately. I feel like I haven’t been doing enough, like I am falling short of my own expectations.

I want to do better in every aspect of my world, but I don’t have the motivation anymore. I am too tired.

I am sick of putting so much energy into things that fail to work out. I feel like all of my effort is going to waste. I feel like some days are completely pointless. I feel like I am a failure who is falling behind and there is no way I am ever going to catch up.

I keep having doubts about whether my future is ever going to take the shape I have been imagining inside of my mind. I keep wondering whether I am reaching toward an unrealistic dream. I keep worrying about whether I am eventually going to find happiness or am always going to feel this way.

I know everyone goes through rough times. I know nothing happens overnight. I know it can take years to build something big.

But I am sick of trying. I am sick of working my ass off without getting any credit for it. I am sick of going out of my way to help others without anyone recognizing my kindness. I am sick of feeling like a failure. I am sick of the disappointment. I am sick of being let down time and time again.

Up until this point, I haven’t complained. I have done what I needed to do without making a peep. I have kept my strength up. I have fought my battles. But lately, it’s been harder to maintain that same determination. I have found it difficult to keep my faith alive.

There are days when I wonder whether I should give up, whether I should remain in bed, whether I should decide there is no point in trying anymore and settle for average.

But whenever those days come, I push past them. I tell myself to keep going, even if it feels like nothing is going to come from my hard work. I remind myself that I owe it to myself to try. Nothing is going to get handed to me. At least if I am actively reaching for my goals, I have a higher chance of getting what I want.

I cannot give up on my dreams. I cannot give up on myself.

Even if I am moving forward an inch at a time, it’s better than remaining in place for the rest of my life. I have to force myself to continue. I have to continue exerting effort because the alternative is not an option.

I might be sick of trying — but that doesn’t mean I am ever going to stop. TC mark

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