I’m not sure if you know exactly how I feel about you and are not making a move because you do not feel the same way — or if you have no idea that I am even interested in you.
I’m having a hard time telling whether you have correctly guessed how much I like you or whether you have wrongly assumed I want nothing to do with you.
Most of the time, I feel like my feelings are obvious. I feel like they are scribbled across my face. I am always staring at you. I get nervous when I am around you. I try to look my best whenever we are going to be in the same room together.
But other times, I feel like I am hiding my emotions well. I will avoid eye contact with you. I will leave the room when you enter. I will tease you with sarcastic jokes. I will overcompensate for how much I like you by acting like I could not care less about you.
I’m not sure whether you believe the act I’ve been trying to put on — the one that says I do not want anything to do with you — or whether you are able to see right through it to the truth.
I have been driving myself crazy trying to figure out what you think of me. But I have also been trying to figure out what you think I think of you.
If I am being completely honest with myself, I’m not even sure what I want you to think. I’m not sure if I would rather have you know that I haven’t stopped thinking about you since the day we first met or if I would rather have you think I am a coldhearted bitch who considers you a waste of my time.
It’s not that I have been trying to be mean to you. Sometimes my flirting comes out wrong. Sometimes I act like a little kid on the playground who sees someone cute and gets defensive and moody instead of writing out love poems.
I have so many questions and cannot answer a single one of them.
Do you think I am confusing? Intimidating? Attractive? Annoying? Do you even think about me when I’m not around or am I someone who fades from memory the second I leave the room?
I realize I could easily fix this situation. I could make everything easier on myself by telling you how I feel about you. But that is never going to happen. I am never going to make the first move. I am too terrified about your reaction. I would never be able to look you in the eyes again if you turned me down. It would ruin everything.
And if you admitted, yes, you liked me too? That possibility is equally terrifying.
I don’t know how to flirt. I don’t know how to be in a relationship. I only know how to hide my feelings and remain forever alone.