You Treated Me Like Shit From The Start

toxic
Unsplash / Jernej Graj

Not long ago, there was a moment when I realized how much stress you brought into my life and asked myself when everything between us changed. But then I thought about it a little more and realized that nothing had changed — except my perception.

You treated me like shit from the start. I just didn’t want to acknowledge it because that would mean admitting you were no good for me and letting you go, which was the last thing I wanted. I lied to myself to keep you around. I avoided raising my standards because you were the only one I wanted. So I blocked out the red flags and accepted the breadcrumbs of affection you would toss from time to time. I told myself things might not be perfect right now but they would get better in the future.

I complained to my friends about you but I would water down the stories to make it seem like you weren’t so bad. I would cry over you for hours at night, but when the morning came, I would erase the memory from my mind. You could piss me off beyond reason, but one semi-sweet text would take the anger away. I gave you a million chances without even consciously realizing it. In my mind, you never did anything worthy of walking away from.

Looking back, I can finally see how blinded I was by my attachment to you. I wanted to believe you were the right one for me so badly that instead of confessing what a piece of shit you were, I acted like I must have been the problem. I blamed myself for coming on too strong. I told myself it was my own fault when I caught you flirting with another girl or when you took too long to answer my messages. I didn’t think you were an asshole for picking and choosing when to pay attention to me. I just assumed I was ugly and boring and reaching for someone who was clearly out of my league.

I hated myself for pushing you away, because I never would have considered hating you. I loved you. At least, I thought it was love at the time. I thought we were perfect for each other because I was busy living in the dream world inside of my head instead of looking at the reality staring me directly in the face. In my mind, you treated me well. Whenever I told my version of events, I always made you look better than you deserved. I gave you the benefit of the doubt when I should have been giving you directions to the door.

I spent a long time wondering why we never ended up together and questioning what went wrong between us, but you treated me like shit from the start. You were never worthy of my love. I am finally seeing the truth about who you are. It took me a while but I now realize I am better off living without you. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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