You Are Allowed To Miss Someone Toxic

toxic
Unsplash / Leslie Jones

You are allowed to daydream about him in the shower.

You are allowed to type out texts to him that you are never going to send.

You are allowed to have conversations with him inside of your head to release all of the words you wish you had said.

You are allowed to think of him when you hear certain jokes or when certain songs play on the radio.

You are even allowed to ask friends how he has been doing since the breakup. You are allowed to stalk his social media to check up on him. You are allowed to have questions and seek closure.

You are allowed to miss someone toxic. Even though he brought you stress and confusion, there were good times too. Times when he made you laugh. Times when he made you feel pretty. Times when he made you feel alive.

Your relationship wasn’t all bad. There were moments you are able to look back on with a smile. Moments that make you feel like your relationship with him wasn’t a complete waste of your time.

But overall, he was toxic. He left you waiting. He left you questioning. He left you feeling bad about yourself. You never knew what you were going to get when you were around him — the boy who made you feel beautiful or the boy who made you feel like shit.

There is nothing wrong with you for missing someone you know is wrong for you. It’s normal. It’s natural. Your brain might know how unhealthy he is, but your heart is still healing. Your heart has no idea what’s been going on.

You just have to remember that missing him does not mean you should text him. It does not mean you should give him another chance. It does not mean you should forget about all of the bad times you had together.

Your memories are making him look better than the reality. You are so focused on what you miss about him that you are forgetting about the nights when you cried your eyes out over him. When you caught him flirting with other girls. When you stayed up until three in the morning screaming at each other. When you felt like you were worthless, all because he failed to treat you the way you deserved.

You cannot let yourself become blinded by your heartache. Yes, there are little things you are bound to miss about him — but there are other things you should be thankful you are away from forever.

You separated for a reason. You stopped talking for a reason. Even though there are going to be temptations for weeks, maybe even for years, you have to resist them. You cannot text him, even if you swear it would be harmless. You cannot let him back into your world, because you won’t be able to move on with him around.

You are allowed to miss him — but do not allow yourself to settle for him. Keep him in your past. Keep him in the back of your mind. He does not deserve more than that. TC mark

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