There are times when I accidentally confuse my boyfriend because I come across as fickle. In the morning, I might talk about how I want to spend the night out, about how I cannot wait to take shots and see friends and have the time of our lives. But after a few hours go by, I might change my mind. I might decide I would rather spend the night inside, on the couch, in our pajamas. I have to be in the right mood to socialize. I can lose my energy in a heartbeat. I can change my mind in an instant.
I accidentally push my boyfriend away, because when something is bothering me, I keep the pain locked up inside. The problem is that my boyfriend still notices something is wrong because I am acting too quiet. Because I am giving short answers. Because I am not acting like myself. Sometimes he gets frustrated about having to pull the truth out of me — but the reason I am so difficult is because I don’t want to bother him. I want to keep my complaints to myself because I know how psychotic they sound. I know I am getting upset over something ridiculous and don’t want him to judge me (even though I know he never would).
My anxiety makes me overly insecure. No amount of compliments from my boyfriend will convince me that I look good that day. I will still criticize my own appearance. I will still get jealous of other girls who enter the room. I will still doubt my own worth. My self-consciousness can drive him crazy because he doesn’t understand how I could look in the mirror and hate myself. He wants me to see what he sees. Someone pretty. Someone perfect. It bothers him when I use the word ugly and delete pictures of myself, but I cannot help myself. It’s the way my brain is wired.
There are countless times when I get jealous — not only of the women I wrongly view as my competition, but of my boyfriend. Of how easy it is for him to talk to everyone. Of how he doesn’t seem to have a care in the world. Sometimes I will snap at him without meaning to because I get frustrated about how I will never be able to socialize so easily, because I wish I was better, because he deserves better.
My anxiety causes me to overthink when there is no reason to worry. I will get upset about something I think my boyfriend did, even though it never actually happened. I will become upset about fake arguments I had inside of my head and assume my boyfriend is growing bored of dealing with me, even though he expresses his love every single day. I will make up problems in my head. I will cause drama when everything was going fine.
I feel like my anxiety makes me difficult to handle — but somehow, my boyfriend still makes me feel like I am easy to love. Like I am worthy of that love. Like I am never going to lose that love.