I’m Disappointed, But I’m Not Surprised

disappointed
Unsplash / Joshua Rawson-Harris

I kept giving you chances because I wanted to believe things would be different the next time. I tried to picture a perfect future where you changed, where you gave me everything I should have received from the start.

Deep down, I knew I was fooling myself. I knew I should have given up on you and walked away, but my soft heart is stupid sometimes. I listened to my emotions instead of my common sense.

Against my better judgement, I decided to trust you and you ended up breaking my heart. Now I’m left alone again, feeling abandoned and bitter. 

I hate that our relationship turned out this way. I hate that you proved me wrong about you. I gave you an opportunity you didn’t even deserve and you made me regret it. You made me feel like a fool for staying with you.

I’m disappointed about the way you treated me — but I’m not surprised.

I knew you would hurt me. I was expecting it to happen. There were a million red flags and I saw each one of them. I wasn’t blind to your flaws. I made the conscious decision to ignore them.

I didn’t want to admit that you were wrong for me because I was already attached to you. I wanted you to be The One even though it was clear you were only another one of my mistakes.

I decided to ignore the truth for as long as possible, because at the time, I was happy. I liked talking to you. I liked cuddling with you. I liked kissing you. I was living in ignorant bliss.

Except I wasn’t completely ignorant. I knew you were not to be trusted.

That’s why I was so paranoid all the time. When you took too long to answer my messages, I wondered whether you were secretly spending time with someone else. Whenever you kept your phone far away from me, I wondered whether you were hiding something you didn’t want me to see.

I had my suspicions but I told myself I was being ridiculous. I told myself I had nothing to worry about — even though I knew I did. I knew I should have left you before you had the chance to leave me. 

I feel like a complete idiot now, because it’s not like you blindsided me. It’s not like I was gullible enough to believe all of your lies. When I found out about what you had done, I wasn’t even surprised.

All along, I knew you were lying and cheating and screwing me over and I stayed anyway. I let you hurt me.

I ignored all of the warning signs because I was comfortable with you and I didn’t want things to change. I wanted to keep lying to myself. I wanted to keep pretending our relationship was something it would never be — healthy, happy, strong.

I didn’t want to see you for what you really were and now I am paying the price for it. TC mark

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