I’m Disappointed, But I’m Not Surprised

Unsplash / Joshua Rawson-Harris

I kept giving you chances because I wanted to believe things would be different the next time. I tried to picture a perfect future where you changed, where you gave me everything I should have received from the start.

Deep down, I knew I was fooling myself. I knew I should have given up on you and walked away, but my soft heart is stupid sometimes. I listened to my emotions instead of my common sense.

Against my better judgement, I decided to trust you and you ended up breaking my heart. Now I’m left alone again, feeling abandoned and bitter. 

I hate that our relationship turned out this way. I hate that you proved me wrong about you. I gave you an opportunity you didn’t even deserve and you made me regret it. You made me feel like a fool for staying with you.

I’m disappointed about the way you treated me — but I’m not surprised.

I knew you would hurt me. I was expecting it to happen. There were a million red flags and I saw each one of them. I wasn’t blind to your flaws. I made the conscious decision to ignore them.

I didn’t want to admit that you were wrong for me because I was already attached to you. I wanted you to be The One even though it was clear you were only another one of my mistakes.

I decided to ignore the truth for as long as possible, because at the time, I was happy. I liked talking to you. I liked cuddling with you. I liked kissing you. I was living in ignorant bliss.

Except I wasn’t completely ignorant. I knew you were not to be trusted.

That’s why I was so paranoid all the time. When you took too long to answer my messages, I wondered whether you were secretly spending time with someone else. Whenever you kept your phone far away from me, I wondered whether you were hiding something you didn’t want me to see.

I had my suspicions but I told myself I was being ridiculous. I told myself I had nothing to worry about — even though I knew I did. I knew I should have left you before you had the chance to leave me. 

I feel like a complete idiot now, because it’s not like you blindsided me. It’s not like I was gullible enough to believe all of your lies. When I found out about what you had done, I wasn’t even surprised.

All along, I knew you were lying and cheating and screwing me over and I stayed anyway. I let you hurt me.

I ignored all of the warning signs because I was comfortable with you and I didn’t want things to change. I wanted to keep lying to myself. I wanted to keep pretending our relationship was something it would never be — healthy, happy, strong.

I didn’t want to see you for what you really were and now I am paying the price for it. TC mark

The truth is that you can be struggling and still be loved.

You don’t have to solve your whole life tonight. You just have to show up and try. Focus on the most immediate thing in front of you. You’ll figure out the rest along the way.

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