I never text you. I have erased your name from my phone. I have deleted you from every social media account. I cannot remember the last time we had a conversation — but that does not mean you have been scrubbed from my memories.
I still think about you all the time. I scroll through old messages. I browse through diary entries I wrote back when we kept in touch. I replay my favorite moments inside of my mind so I never forget them.
There are times when I am tempted to see how you are doing, to send a quick update, but I always change my mind at the last second. I have to keep reminding myself that just because I miss you, it doesn’t mean I am supposed to reach out to you. Some people are meant to remain in the past and you are one of them.
Even though an impulsive part of me wants to ask you if you have been thinking about me too, I never actually text you because there is nothing worthwhile left to say.
All of the conversations I have with you inside of my head while I’m driving down the highway and washing myself in the shower are unrealistic. I would never actually list out the ways you have hurt me and demand an explanation. I would never be able to speak the words, even though I keep practicing them in my head in case we run into each other.
I haven’t gotten closure from you but that is okay. I am learning to live without it, because love stories never wrap themselves up easily in the real world. They always end with a mess.
As much as I want answers, I never text you because you have already caused me enough heartache. I can’t imagine a scenario where texting you would end well. If you ignored my messages, I would be upset. If you answered me and mentioned your new girlfriend, I would be upset. Even if you admitted you still held feelings for me and wanted to get back together so you could treat me right this time, I would still be upset, because it took you that long to realize my worth.
I know you don’t deserve a second chance, so I don’t want to tempt myself by letting you back into my world. I could never just be friends with you. And I know if we ended up giving our relationship another try, we wouldn’t have a happily ever after. You would only get a second chance to shatter my heart. I would have to get over you all over again.
I never text you, because even though I cannot get you off my mind, I don’t want you to know that. I want you to think I have moved on. I want you to assume the reason I have gone missing in action is because you never even cross my mind, the same way I assume I never cross yours.