I Am Insecure

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There are days when I refuse to leave the house because I am feeling insecure about the pimple on my cheek or the extra flab on my waist or the way my hair falls across my face. Days when I cannot stomach the thought of being seen in public, even during a quick trip to the grocery store, because there is the smallest possibility of running into someone I know.

Before leaving the bubble of my bedroom, I need a long time to get ready. That is why I never accept last minute plans. I need to know when we are leaving in advance so that I have time to shower and apply make-up and style my hair and psych myself up for socializing. I cannot just throw on a sweatshirt and leave the house the second a friend invites me out. I don’t have that kind of confidence.

I shake my head after receiving compliments because I only believe the mean things that are said about me. I remove pictures from Instagram after uploading them because I change my mind about whether I looked good in them. I check the scale constantly and look in the mirror nonstop, but never like what I see.

There are some rare occasions when I actually think I look decent and decide to take a picture, but then end up making myself miserable because I have trouble taking a good shot. I will snap twenty pictures, fifty pictures, one hundred pictures, and then delete all of them at once because I cannot find even one that I consider tolerable.

On snapchat, I will actually get good photographs because of the way filters change the shape of my jaw and the width of my cheeks — but even that doesn’t make me happy because I know it’s not real. I know I am never actually going to look that way in real life because it’s only a magic trick.

I have untagged unflattering pictures of me before. I have had breakdowns inside of dressing rooms when I failed to find an outfit that looked good on me. I have cried while staring into the mirror more times than I can count.

Lately, my insecurity has been getting in the way of living a fulfilling life. I have canceled plans because I didn’t want anyone to see me looking like such a mess. I have remained quiet in groups because I wanted to blend into the background. I have questioned every interaction, because whenever someone treats me nicely, I assume they must be playing some kind of prank on me since I am not worthy of their attention.

I know my mindset is screwed up. I want to gain confidence, but it’s difficult for me to walk into a room and hold my head high. I want to call myself beautiful, but I can’t stop myself from using ‘ugly‘ instead. I want to love myself, but I keep coming up with more and more reasons to hate myself. TC mark

The truth is that you can be struggling and still be loved.

You don’t have to solve your whole life tonight. You just have to show up and try. Focus on the most immediate thing in front of you. You’ll figure out the rest along the way.

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