I Act Like An Asshole Because I Don’t Want To Get Attached

attached
Unsplash / Joshua Rawson-Harris

I might take too long to answer texts. I might tell you I’m busy when you ask to see me. I might hold myself back from telling you childhood stories and inviting you to stay for dinner.

I’m not pushing you away because you annoy me. I’m pushing you away because I’m worried about growing too attached.

Whenever I let someone new into my heart, I struggle to get over them. Breakups are never easy on me. I have abandonment issues. I am terrified of the possibility of being left behind.

I don’t want to get used to having you in my world and then watch you walk away with all of my secrets. That has happened before. I have grown attached to others after knowing them for only a few weeks and I got screwed over because of it.

When I was left alone again, I blamed myself for caring too much. For being too needy. For coming across as clingy. I felt like an overemotional idiot.

I wish I could turn off my emotions like a light switch, but that is impossible for me. I guess that is why I overcompensate for how much I care by acting like I couldn’t care less.

I feel like, if I can fool you into thinking you mean nothing to me, then maybe I can fool myself. Maybe I can survive another day without having my heart shattered into pieces.

I know I can come across as an asshole at times. Instead of complimenting your new haircut, I will tease you for it. Instead of reminding my friends I love them, I will call them names and hope they see the affection layered underneath. I might think of something nice to say to someone, but my tone will make the words come out as an insult, because I don’t want to look too sappy. I don’t want you to see inside of my mind.

I used to wear my heart on my sleeve, but now I’m uncomfortable expressing my emotions. I would rather pretend to be cold. I would rather keep my expectations low so I never end up disappointed again.

I hate that sinking feeling in my stomach when someone I thought would be around forever decides they only wanted to stay temporarily. I don’t want to put myself through that again. I want to avoid pain at all costs. 

That is why, if you mean something to me, I probably won’t admit it aloud. I will probably act like you are just another face. I will probably ignore your texts, even when I am dying to talk to you and act like I am too busy to hang out, even when I keep daydreaming about what would happen if we did.

I’m sorry if that is confusing. Sometimes, I don’t even make sense to myself. 

All I know is that I can come across as heartless, but I’m not trying to hurt you. I am only trying to protect myself. TC mark

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