When I Say I Hate You, This Is What I Mean

A woman who hates a man
Unsplash / Autri Taheri

When I say I hate you, I mean I hate how much I still care about you. I hate how, even after everything that has gone down, your opinion still makes a difference in my mind. I hate how you have the ability to completely ruin my day, even though I never make the smallest ripple in yours.

When I say I hate you, I mean I hate the way you make me feel. Disappointed. Bitter. Used. Betrayed. I feel like a complete idiot because even though you showed me your true colors a long time ago, I kept giving you the benefit of the doubt. I kept telling myself there was a chance you were going to change if you cared about me enough.

When I say I hate you, I mean I hate the baggage you have given me. I have trust issues because of you. Abandonment issues. Anger issues. I am no longer the kind of person who sees the best in others. You have taken my innocence away from me. From now on, I am going to keep my heart guarded. I am going to be on the constant lookout for red flags. I am going to assume everyone is against me.

When I say I hate you, I mean I hate this situation. I hate this anxiety. I hate these tears. I hate how hard it is to forget you. I hate how much anger is hidden inside my heart. I hate the kind of person you have turned me into. I hate what you have done to me.

When I say I hate you, I mean I hate your reaction to all of this. You don’t even seem sorry. You aren’t showing any signs of guilt. You are living your life without a care in the world. I am the only one stuck suffering while you are completely fine. You aren’t being impacted by this at all, even though you are the one who should be punished, not me.

When I say I hate you, I mean I hate myself for dealing with you for so long. I hate how I let myself get walked over by you, used by you, abused by you. I let you hurt me time and time again. I sacrificed so much for you. I gave you every little piece of me even though that was obviously a mistake.

When I say I hate you, I mean I hate how low my standards were once upon a time. I hate that I ever thought the relationship between us was normal. I hate that you were given so much of my time, my attention, and my heart. I hate that you were a part of my world when you never deserved me.

When I say I hate you, I mean I never want to see your face again. I mean I am done chasing after you. I mean I am finally finished with us and there is no changing my mind. TC mark

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