My Awkwardness Accidentally Makes Me Look Like An Asshole

I come across as rude because I spend most of my time staring at my phone. If I’m in a room filled with people, my first instinct is to avoid looking awkward and the best way to do that is to appear busy. To scroll through my text messages and apps, even if I have to read the same thing again and again because I ran out of new material.

I have trouble coming up with things to say to strangers — sometimes even to friends. When someone asks me a question, I will give them a one-word answer and then hate myself for it because it forces the conversation to end soon after it begins.

I hate socializing because I suck at it. I’m not good around people. I have trouble looking them in the eyes because I’m embarrassed about how awkward I am. I never know the right time to tell a joke. I never know the right words to say.

Even when I’m speaking to them over the phone, I struggle to keep the conversation flowing. I will rewrite texts ten times before sending them and still feel like I said the wrong thing. Texting is just as stressful as talking face-to-face. Unfortunately, I’m not magically more suave over a screen.

My awkwardness makes it hard for me to make friends. I would rather stay home than risk embarrassing myself in front of strangers at a bar or a party. I would rather lock myself away than put myself out there because I know it’s only going to end in disaster and disappointment.

Even the friends that I already have must think of me as rude because I will make plans with them and then cancel at the last second once the anxiety becomes too much. Instead of getting excited about seeing them, I get nervous. I think about how stupid I’m going to look in front of them. I imagine the worst case scenario inside my head and convince myself it’s going to happen.

I have zero faith in myself when it comes to social situations. I don’t know how to interact with other humans, especially ones that are around the same age as me. It’s easier for me to deal with pets and babies and the elderly. My own age group makes me too uneasy because I want to impress them. I want them to like me.

I hate how awkward I am in social situations because it makes me look like an asshole. It makes me look like I don’t want to be there, like I have better things to do, like I couldn’t care less about the people surrounding me — even though the opposite is true. I care too much. I want to make friends. I want to be accepted.

I wish it was easier for me to find ways to fit in. I wish I had better people skills. I wish I could hold a conversation and speak with confidence and actually be the fun one for a change.