Looking back, I feel like an idiot, but there was a time when I genuinely thought we were dating.
You admitted you liked me. You kissed me. You slept with me. I thought that made us a couple. I thought that meant we were dating.
It never even crossed my mind that you only wanted a casual relationship. You looked at me like you were falling in love with me. You gave me compliments that I thought only boyfriends gave their girlfriends.
At first, I didn’t even think about asking you for a label, because I thought it was assumed. I thought we were on the same page. I thought we were taking baby steps forward.
I know it was early, but I was already daydreaming about taking vacations to Disney with you and walking down the aisle with you. I was imagining what it would be like to live together and wake up every morning beside each other.
I was hooked on you from the start. I thought you were my person. I thought, after years of heartbreak, I had finally found my soulmate.
My friends called you my boyfriend. My parents called you my boyfriend. You were the only one who didn’t consider us dating, even though we acted like we were. I met your friends. I met your parents. I slept over your place. I bought you birthday presents. I texted you every single day. I made you a permanent part of my world, but I was only temporary for you.
I still don’t understand how you could kiss someone without letting them know you had zero interest in forming a real relationship with them — but I guess that’s because kissing is a big deal to me. It means everything to me but nothing to you.
I never realized how different we were until it was too late. When I found out that you weren’t interested in a relationship I was devastated. It broke my heart. It made me feel like a complete idiot. Like you were using me from the start and none of your feelings were real.
Unfortunately, I was already too attached to you by then. I didn’t want to lose you, even though you had hurt me worse than anyone else had in the past. To keep you around, I gave you what you wanted. I agreed to keep things casual.
I came over late at night and only kissed you in private. I slept with you without looking you in the eyes. I stopped mentioning your name to my friends. I stopped telling my parents about you. But I never stopped daydreaming about our future. I never gave up hope that one day you would change your mind and want me in the same way that I wanted you.
Even though you made it perfectly clear you weren’t ready for a relationship, it still felt like we were dating. It felt like you were my boyfriend. It felt like our relationship mattered.
But I guess I was only fooling myself.