Everyone tries to comfort me by saying you are in a better place, you are in heaven, you are happier there. Then they list off the other people I have lost throughout my life and say you’re together now, you’re laughing together, you’re dancing together. They claim that should bring me peace, that should help me accept what has happened, that should make me happy.
It doesn’t work.
I am not comforted by the idea of you looking down at me, because I would rather be able to look you in the eyes, face-to-face, instead of staring at old photographs and rewatching videos.
I am not comforted by the notion of speaking to you through my prayers either, because I would rather hear your voice speaking back to me, giving me advice or cracking jokes about how ridiculous my problems are.
I am not even comforted by the knowledge you are with Him, because I would rather have you with me.
Maybe I am selfish, maybe I am self-centered, maybe I am sacrilegious, but I don’t want you in heaven. I want you here. I want to be able to hear your voice and feel your arms wrapped against me. I want to watch you roll your eyes. I want to watch you shake your head. I want to watch you laugh. I want to watch you eat and drink and smile. I want to see what you have to say about what has happened to me over these past few years and I want to know whether you think I’m taking the right path.
I want you here with me. I want to see you on birthdays, at weddings, during holidays. I don’t want to keep talking about you in the past tense, retelling the same old stories because there are never going to be any new ones again. I want to form more memories with you. I want to grow alongside you. I want to watch you age and hit even more milestones. I want to see what else you could have accomplished.
I don’t want you anywhere else, except in this room with me. If you were here, I would never let you go again. I would never take you for granted again. I would never let a second pass where you felt lost or unloved, because so many people love you and I hope they let you know that while you were still alive. I hope you realized how much you impacted those around you.
When I say I want you here, it sounds like I am only thinking about what is best for myself. But in my mind staying here was best for you too, for all of us. We would all be happier if we were together, because without you here, it feels like something is missing. It feels like something is off.
I hate that you’re gone. I hate that you’re no longer with me. I hate that you are so far away from here.