I Don’t Talk Much (But I Think Too Much)

A woman thinking too much
Unsplash / Mickael Gresset

Instead of involving myself in conversations, I gravitate to the background. I prefer listening to speaking. I’m a fan of people watching because there is less pressure being a spectator.

Even though I seem quiet, even though I usually don’t have much to say in group settings, my mind goes a mile per minute. My brain never shuts off. I am always thinking about something. I never get a second of silence inside of my mind.

I have a lot of opinions which is why it’s sometimes hard for me not to voice them. There are times when I’m dying to jump into a conversation to give my opinion but my overthinking gets the best of me.

I don’t want to cut anyone off so I will wait for a silence, for my cue to speak — but by the time that happens, the conversation has already shifted. The topic has changed and I feel like there is no point in resurrecting the previous topic so I can speak. Instead, I’ll remain quiet and hate myself for missing my opportunity to add to the conversation.

There are other times when I have the perfect opportunity to speak but my insecurities get the best of me and I have trouble finding the words I want to use. I clam up when the spotlight shines on me. I never know how to tell a story in a funny, engaging way. I might start off semi-confident but if someone looks away from me or steals a glance at their phone then I will assume I’m boring them and cut my speaking short.

The last thing I want is to annoy anyone. I would rather look rude by hovering in the corner than risk embarrassing myself by putting myself out there. I’m too nervous to take chances. I’m not brave enough. 

I wish that I was a social butterfly. I wish that I could speak without fearing what others will think about me. I wish that my brain gave me a chance to relax once in a while but my paranoid thoughts never stop.

I will spend too much time thinking about what to say next. Too much time thinking about what to wear tomorrow. Too much time thinking about whether I am overthinking.

I always have a million different things on my mind. I have so much that I want to say but the words get stuck in my throat. That’s why the people who I love the most of all have no idea what they mean to me. I’m not sure how to get my point across. I’m not sure how to express how much I love them, how much I care about them, how I would do anything in the world for them.

My overthinking stops me from expressing myself. It warns me that I might embarrass myself if I start getting sentimental so I never let myself speak. I hold myself back instead. I keep to myself instead. I lock all of my thoughts inside of my head until they drive me crazy. TC mark

The truth is that you can be struggling and still be loved.

You don’t have to solve your whole life tonight. You just have to show up and try. Focus on the most immediate thing in front of you. You’ll figure out the rest along the way.

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