I Could Never Stay Friends With My Almosts

Fabien Vilrus

We don’t talk anymore because it would be too difficult to handle. There’s a piece of me that would have trouble watching you cozy up to other people the way you used to do with me. It would bring out my jealousy. It would bring out my insecurities. It would make me feel like shit to see you dating someone when I never earned a title myself. When I came so close but never made it to the finish line.

We don’t talk anymore because there is a part of me that’s still pissed at you. Pissed that you hurt me. Pissed that you walked away from me. Pissed that you never cared about me the way I cared about you. I feel like I did everything right back when we knew each other but I still didn’t get what I wanted and I’m bitter over it.

We don’t talk anymore because we were never actually friends. We were just two people who flirted with each other and occasionally kissed each other. You didn’t know anything real about me. You only knew the surface level. You knew my favorite songs and my favorite shows because I wouldn’t shut up about them — but you wouldn’t be able to rattle off my mother’s name or remember my birthday. We had chemistry but not much else. We only hung out because of the attraction. Because of the potential.

We don’t talk anymore because we don’t want to think about the past. We don’t want to think about what almost happened between us. We want to move on with our lives. We want to forget. We want to grow. We don’t want to relive history because we have successful futures ahead of us and there is no point in living in the past.

We don’t talk anymore because I honestly don’t even know what there is to say. I have had conversations with you inside of my head a million times where I questioned you about why you left and why we never became an item, but in reality I would never dare to ask you those things. I would never actually fight for closure. I would rather leave those conversations unsaid.

We don’t talk anymore because we’re happy without each other. There is no reason to reunite when we are both doing fine on our own, when we don’t need each other the way I used to think we did. In the past, you brought me more heartache than happiness, so there’s no reason to wish you were part of my world again.

We don’t talk anymore because there is no point in being friends when we originally wanted so much more from each other. Honestly, I don’t know if I could be just a friend to you again even if that was something I wanted to do. I don’t think I would be able to handle the what ifs. As much as I miss you, I think we’re better off not speaking. I think this is a good thing. TC mark

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“I wish that I had more confidence in myself. I wish that silences didn’t feel so awkward. I wish that conversations didn’t die so quickly.” — Holly Riordan

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