I Am Slowly Realizing I Don’t Want To Die Anymore

Ieva Urenceva

I don’t want to die anymore. I still have a shitload of problems, but I am learning to deal with them head-on instead of letting them linger until they shred me apart from the inside. I am learning to appreciate the little things instead of spending all of my time complaining about how hard I have it compared to everybody else. I am slowly learning to swallow my pessimistic thoughts and only dwell on the positive ones. 

When I really think about it, I don’t think I ever really wanted to die in the first place. I only wanted a break. A vacation from all of the bullshit that life keeps tossing in my direction. I wanted to take a second to breathe, to relax, to feel like the world wasn’t folding in around me from every edge.

I don’t want to die anymore. I don’t see that as a solution. I don’t see that as solving the problem. I have to find different ways to deal with my struggles. I have to visit a therapist. I have to express my feelings instead of bottling them inside my chest. I have to be open. I have to be brave.

I am not going to keep making jokes about slitting my throat and jumping in front of cars that aren’t really jokes. I’m not going to act like every single thing in my universe sucks because there are a few good things. There are things worth sticking around for even on the days when I feel blinded by my sadness.

I am slowly learning the things that matter today might not matter a few years from now or even a few hours from now. I am slowly learning how much things change over time. I am slowly learning it’s possible to feel okay again in the future, even though nothing is okay right now.

I am slowly learning I owe it to myself to keep trying. I deserve to find happiness. I am not going to stop until I reach a place of peace. I refuse to give up on myself even when it feels like I am completely alone.

I am going to keep living even when I lose hope.

I am going to keep living even when I feel numb.

I am going to keep living even when I feel like making it until tomorrow is impossible.

I am slowly realizing I never really wanted to die. I wanted to live. I wanted to have more friends. I wanted to see more places. I wanted to discover a reason to wake up in the morning. I wanted to experience happiness. Real happiness. Not the forced kind. Not the kind that fades away seconds after it appears.

I am slowly realizing that, despite all of the stress I have been through lately, I don’t want to die anymore. I don’t want to hate the world anymore. I want to be okay again. I am trying my fucking hardest to be okay again. TC mark

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Image Credit: Ieva Urenceva

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