I have been through hell lately. My anxiety has been at an all time high. I have had trouble sleeping. I have been waking up in the middle of the night every night. I have been under an insane amount of stress. I have gotten angry. I have cursed others out. I have cut loved ones out of my world. I have had to rethink what family means and whether unconditional love is only a myth.
Despite all the bullshit forced down my throat the last few months, I am working harder than I ever have before. I am refusing to let circumstance convince me to give up my faith.
I realize, for the first time in my life, I deserve happiness. I deserve success. I deserve to feel safe and comfortable inside my own home. I don’t deserve what I have been going through lately and I am going to make it through this downturn. Someday soon, this fuckery will be part of my past. It will be a sad story to tell close friends. A bad memory and nothing more.
I am forcing myself to remain positive even if though I have a million reasons to slip into cynicism. I am proud of myself whenever I make it through another day without crying or throwing my fist against a wall because I have every reason to break down. I have every reason to self-destruct.
As much as I want to drink until my problems disappear, I am not allowing myself to push emotions away anymore. I am learning to deal with them in a healthier way. I am taking my anger and redirecting it toward something productive. I am exercising more. I am writing more. I am shifting my mindset from feeling bad for myself to actively working to make a better life for myself.
I used to be afraid of change but change is the only escape from this hellhole. I need to make changes. I need to ease myself away from the cage where I’m currently trapped.
Right now, everything sucks. I am a nervous wreck. I am jumpy. I am restless. I am emotionally scarred.
But I am going to be okay again. I am not going to blame myself for what has been happening. I am not going to wonder whether I secretly deserve this punishment because I know that is untrue. I am not going to let shitty people impact my view of myself. I am not going to stoop to their level either. I am not going to aim for revenge. I am not going to let my bitterness taint my soft heart.
I am going to grow. I am going to flourish. I am going to keep moving forward, even though giving up would be easier. I am going to fight through this pain until I remember what it feels like to experience happiness again. I am not going to throw up my hands, say everything sucks, and assume it will always stay that way.
I have control over my own world. I can make changes. I can make things better for myself. It just might take a little while.