I Am Not Upset You Left My World, I Am Angry

I haven’t been crying my eyes out over a gallon of ice cream. I haven’t been watching sappy movies and wishing things turned out differently between us. I haven’t shed any tears over you.

I have been angry. Enraged. Downright furious. I have been snapping at everyone who tries to speak to me. I have been rough when it comes to closing doors and rummaging through drawers. I’m surprised I have been able to resist the temptation to slam my fist into the wall.

I have so much anger trapped inside of me and no way to release it.

I want to curse you out. I want to slash your tires. I want to make you see what you have done to me, because you don’t have any clue. You are oblivious. You don’t feel any guilt. You don’t feel any regret. And that’s the worst part.

I would have an easier time dealing with what happened between us if I knew you were suffering as well — but you’re not.

You’re perfectly fine. You’re living your life as if you are some perfect person who can do no wrong.

This entire experience has scarred me. Long after you are gone from my life, I am still going to be dealing with the aftermath of your behavior. I have baggage now. I have trust issues now. I don’t think I am ever going to get over them.

Meanwhile, what happened between us hasn’t even made the smallest impact on you. Nothing has changed for you. You’re still the same asshole person. You haven’t grown. You haven’t learned.

It makes me so mad that I am the only one suffering when you were the one who did something wrong.

I never did anything. I never did anything to deserve the treatment you gave me. I never did anything to get hurt this deeply.

I am not upset about the way you upturned my world. I am pissed. I am pissed that you thought everything you did was okay. I am pissed that you look at me like I’m the bad guy. I am pissed that you are trying to play the victim after acting so abusive. I am pissed that people like you exist.

I am pissed that you will never see yourself for who you really are, because you have spent a lifetime lying to yourself.

I want revenge on you. In my daydreams, keying your car or taking a bat to your windshield would make me feel better, but in reality I know that wouldn’t do me any good.

That would only make me look like the crazy one instead of you. You would look like the one who took the high road. The one who is handling the situation with dignity and grace.

It’s not fair that I’m the only one who is suffering because you don’t care. You never cared.

It’s insane how the person with an actual heart is the person who has trouble falling asleep at night. Meanwhile the person who treats others like shit is the person who doesn’t feel guilty about a goddamn thing.