Looking back, it sounds stupid to say, but I honestly thought we were going to become boyfriend and girlfriend. I imagined us sharing a bed then an apartment then a life.
I have a hard time accepting our almost relationship is officially over. I keep waiting for you to return to my world with an excuse about how you have been so busy lately and are sorry you failed to keep in touch.
It has happened before. You have disappeared, for a few days or weeks at a time, and then reappeared as if nothing had changed between us.
It’s difficult for me to move on when I still carry a glimmer of hope that this time will be like the last time. That you will change your mind, that you will walk back into my universe again and give me another chance to prove myself.
I keep daydreaming about what I would say to you if you returned. I run imaginary scenarios through my head until I’m convinced they could become reality.
Deep down, I know you are not coming back. Even if you did, even if you begged me to forgive you, the truth is that you do not deserve my time. I have given you enough chances. You have taken advantage of every single one.
I know I should leave you in the past, but I am having a hard time believing your mixed signals didn’t mean anything. In the moment, they felt like they meant a lot. It seemed like you felt the same way about me, like you were seriously interested.
I know our relationship was one-sided. I know I was the one who cared more. Even so, I felt like there was a chance you were going to ask me to become your person.
I wasn’t imagining the sexual tension. You would text me first. You would compliment me. You would kiss me. You would make me feel like something concrete was growing between us.
I have a hard time accepting our almost relationship is over, because I feel like it barely started. There were so many more things I wanted to learn about you. There were so many things I planned on doing with you.
We never got the chance to walk hand-in-hand down the beach. To take a road trip together. To experience the world together.
I guess you never intended on keeping me around for more than a little while, but an entire future unfolded in my mind. I had plans for us. I had dreams for us.
I know we were only an almost but our connection felt like so much more than that. It feels like I have been dumped. Like a long-term relationship has ended.
When it comes down to it, I have been having such a hard time getting over you, because I don’t want to get over you. I want things to go back to the way they were. I want you back in my world.