I always overthink, especially when it comes to relationships. When I develop feelings for someone, I will overthink what to wear in front of them. When to approach them. What to say to them. Whether I have a chance or am only wasting my time.
If that person flirts with me, I will go over the interaction again and again in my mind until I’m confused about whether they actually were flirting or were only being friendly.
If someone texts me, I will rewrite my reply ten times before pressing send. Even once the text is out there, once there is no taking it back, I will debate whether I sounded stupid, whether the other person is going to think I’m an idiot, whether I should have written something completely different.
If I manage to make it through the first round of social interaction and someone actually asks me on a date, I will run every possible scenario through my head until I am no longer excited about going and am terrified instead.
I overthink until my stomach is sick. I overthink until my anxiety acts up.
I can’t charge headfirst into social situations without preparing beforehand. If I have a phone call to make, I am going to rehearse what I should say (or even write down what I should say on a piece of paper) beforehand. If I am going to a new place, I will find a map on Google to avoid walking around mindlessly.
I prepare conversation topics ahead of time. I prepare outfits ahead of time. I prepare as thoroughly as the situation allows, because I don’t trust myself in the moment. I am awkward. I am unsure. I have no idea what I’m doing which is why I need some time to figure it out beforehand.
Unknown situations scare me, because I never know what to prepare for. I never know what I should expect.
Unless I can predict what is going to happen, I am uncomfortable. I don’t like spontaneous trips and last second plans because then I don’t have the time to think about what the night is going to hold.
I have grown so used to overthinking that it’s hard for me to think on the spot.
Sometimes my overthinking is a blessing, because when I have an interview or a meeting, I prepare for hours and look like I actually know what I’m talking about.
Other times, my overthinking is a burden. It convinces me to turn down plans. It tells me that I am going to make a fool of myself and should save myself the embarrassment.
Because of my overthinking, little things like sending a text or answering the phone become big things. Things I am not sure if I can handle.
I have trouble enjoying the moment, even when I should be relaxed, because I am always waiting for something horrible to happen. I am always stuck in my head, worrying about something far in the future.