I went into the new year hoping that it would be better than the last, but so far things have only gotten worse.
I am more stressed than I have ever been before. I am dealing with more problems than I can handle on my own. Nothing is going the way I expected. I hate everything.
Lately, I have trouble enjoying moments that are meant to be fun. I will look forward to something for weeks, assuming that I will finally experience happiness once the event arrives, and then end up disappointed when the time comes.
Nothing makes me happy. Everything turns into a problem. Something always goes wrong.
I feel like the world is against me, as self-centered as that sounds. I feel like the universe doesn’t want me to be happy. Whenever I have a moment of rest, it never lasts long. I will get one good night’s rest and then shit will hit the fan again and I won’t remember what it feels like to sleep for more than three hours.
I am always worried about something — and not because I am overthinking. These are real problems. Apocalyptic problems. Problems I have to deal with as soon as possible.
Lately, I have been struggling to make it through the day. I keep telling myself that tomorrow will be better. I keep saying that if I make it through today than everything will be okay again. But I have been saying that for months now and nothing is okay. Nothing is getting better.
The year is still young and I already hate 2018. It has been the most difficult year of my entire life. It has put me through hell.
I want to look on the bright side. I want to say this year is challenging me as a person and I will come out stronger than I have ever been before — but I’m not sure if that’s the truth.
Right now, I feel weak. I don’t know what my next move is supposed to be. I feel like every time I make a decision, it’s the wrong one. Every time I say something, it comes out incorrectly.
I feel trapped. I keep trying to change my life, but nothing has been working. I keep failing. I keep fucking up. And when I’m not the one causing problems, someone else is dragging me into their drama. It’s impossible to escape the chaos.
I try to kick toxic people out of my world but they won’t leave. I try to do the right thing and get punished for it. I try to create happiness for myself and end up more depressed than the day before.
I have reached my breaking point. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore. I don’t know how to fix this.
I keep wondering whether my suffering is going to end soon, whether everything will be okay again shortly, but that seems unrealistic.
It seems like, no matter what I do, 2018 keeps getting worse.