I don’t know if I’m strong enough to survive without you. I don’t know if I can hold myself together when you were always the one who made me feel okay again. You were the one who dried my tears, who calmed my stress. I don’t know how to do those things without you. I don’t know how to lean on myself.
I don’t know if I’m strong enough to accept what happened between us. My emotions are all over the place. I’m confused. Disappointed. Hurt. Angry. There are moments when I don’t feel like moving forward anymore. When I want to give up, because I lost the one person I assumed would always be there.
I don’t know if I’m strong enough to erase you from my contact list, from my Instagram, from my Snapchat. I want the option to check up on you whenever I want, even though every time I see you post another picture or status, my heart drops along with my stomach. I hate that you are still living without me. I hate that time is still passing, even though we aren’t together anymore.
I don’t know if I’m strong enough to think about you without collapsing into a puddle of tears. I cannot think about our memories without my eyes watering. I cannot think about you with another person without my heart pounding. I cannot think about you at all, but at the same time, you’re the only thing I think about.
I don’t know if I’m strong enough to stay single. To live alone. To spend my weekends alone. To sleep in my bedroom alone. Without you, my entire world is different. You were everything to me. I didn’t think about my friends, I thought about our friends. I didn’t think about my happiness, I thought about our happiness. I didn’t think about my future, I thought about our future.
I don’t know if I’m strong enough to get over you. To fake smiles when my friends ask me how I’ve been doing. To join dating apps. To put myself out there again.
I don’t know if I’m strong enough to date anyone else. I can’t imagine loving someone else the way I loved you. I can’t imagine anyone else treating me as well as you treated me. I can’t imagine kissing someone else, sleeping with someone else, marrying someone else — because all of those moments were supposed to be reserved for you. You were the only one I wanted to spend my future alongside. Without you, I don’t want those things anymore. I want to stay single. I want to keep to myself. I want to lock myself away.
I don’t know if I’m strong enough to get over you, because the truth of the matter is, I don’t want to get over you. I want to turn back time. I want to make things work out between us. I want to be with you forever. I want us to last a lifetime.