I am slowly learning that, even though my anger is warranted, it is unproductive. I want to scream at you. I want to key your car. I want to slash your tires. I want to make you pay, because you have given me baggage it’s going to take decades to overcome.
But I have yelled at you before. I have cried in front of you before. I have held myself together and tried to talk to you rationally before. Nothing works. Nothing is going to get through to you. My only option is to cut you out of my world, because there is no longer room for you.
I am slowly learning I am never getting closure from you. I am going to walk away without any answers. I am never going to have the opportunity to tell you everything I have wanted to say. I am never going to get the chance to hear an apology from you either. But that is okay. That is something I have to accept, because life is not always fair.
I am slowly learning my anger is poisoning myself more than you. You don’t even know when I am upset half of the time. You don’t see me crying my eyes out in the shower. You don’t see me screaming lyrics inside of my car. You don’t see me talking shit about you to my friends. You don’t know how much you have impacted me. You don’t have any clue.
I am slowly learning not to take this pain to heart. You have problems you need to sort out. You have obstacles you need to overcome. You have help you need to get. Just because you have fucked up your own life does not mean I am going to let you fuck up mine. I am not going to stick around to watch you self-destruct.
I am slowly learning my best revenge is to live without you. Ignore your texts. Block your calls. Refuse to react when you piss me off again.
I am slowly learning how arguing with you is giving you exactly what you want. You want another reason to hate yourself. You want another reason to drink. You want another reason to yell back at me. You want another reason to act like you have it so hard, like the whole world is against you.
I am slowly learning that losing me is going to hurt you more than anything else I can say or do to you. Losing me is going to be the slap in the face you need to reorganize your priorities. Losing me is going to make you take a long, hard look in the mirror. Losing me is going to make you realize you took things too far. Losing me is going to make you wish you had treated me better.
I am slowly learning to focus on myself. To take care of myself. To love myself — because you are never going to love me the way I deserve.