I used to be the girl who wore her heart on her sleeve. The girl who believed every word she heard, who trusted everyone who made a promise.
In the past, I thought better of people. I assumed that they were being honest with me. I gave them the benefit of the doubt. If they messed up, I would give them a second chance. I was forgiving. Accommodating. Too kind for my own good.
Back then, I would have done anything for the person I loved. I would have given them the world. I would have hurt myself to help them. I was ready to sacrifice. I was ready to fight. I was willing to do whatever it took to keep a relationship intact, even if that meant putting in all of the work while the other person stood nearby and watched.
In the past, I put my feeling first. I thought with my heart instead of my head. I would have made the perfect girlfriend if someone had given me a chance.
But no one did. For years, I was stuck in almost relationships. I was used for sex. I was strung along. I was disappointed again and again. Slowly, I started to trust less and doubt more. Time turned me into a skeptic.
Now, when someone speaks to me, I am always looking for holes in their story, trying to figure out whether they are being real with me or screwing with me. I am always paranoid, always on alert. I expect to have my heart broken. When things go well, I feel uncomfortable, because I am used to everything falling apart.
When someone compliments me or sends me good morning texts, I don’t think they are doing it out of the kindness of their heart. I assume they want something from me. I imagine all of the reasons why they could be flirting with me and none of them involve wanting to spend the rest of their lives with me.
After what I have been through, I can’t stop myself from thinking of people as selfish. They only look out for themselves. They only care about themselves. They might keep me around for a while, but the second they get bored or find someone more entertaining, they will drop me. They won’t feel guilty about breaking my heart as long as they end up happy.
I used to see the best in everyone I came across. I used to believe the pretty lies whispered into my ears, but now, I have serious trust issues. Abandonment issues. Baggage that I can’t imagine dropping behind me.
I used to be the girl who wore her heart on her sleeve, but now I am the girl who closes herself off. Who refuses to put herself out there. Who pushes people away instead of growing close to them, because she is terrified of getting hurt again.
I used to think a relationship was in my future, but I don’t believe in forever anymore. I don’t believe in much of anything.