It doesn’t matter how many times you tell me how pretty I look. It doesn’t matter how many times you reiterate your love for me. It doesn’t matter how often you kiss me on the lips or on the forehead.
No matter what you do, there will always be a part of me that wonders whether you wish you were with someone else.
I will always doubt your feelings for me, because I can’t understand why you would choose me over the rest of the universe. I don’t see what you see in me. I don’t see anything worthwhile.
My insecurities make it hard for me to remain in relationships, because I always expect the worst to happen. I expect you to get bored of me. I expect you to meet someone new and fall for her instead. I expect you to shatter my heart after realizing one person isn’t enough for you.
That’s why I spend so much money on clothes and so much time on my hair and makeup. I want to look good for you. I want to keep you interested. I want to give you a reason to stay.
But, in reality, it doesn’t matter how attractive I look when I show up at your front door. It doesn’t matter if I just took the perfect selfie or if we just had the best sex of our lives and I’m feeling more confident than I have ever felt before.
No matter how good I feel at first, that feeling will disappear as soon as a pretty girl introduces herself as our waitress or someone shows their naked body on the movie we’re watching. As soon as I remember that I’m not the prettiest girl in the world — not even in the room.
I will go from one-hundred to zero at the drop of a hat. I will go from feeling beautiful to feeling like complete crap.
I want to love myself. I am trying to love myself. But I keep finding more and more reasons to hate myself.
My insecurities make relationships a living hell, because I get jealous over every little thing. I’ll act like I’m fine with you being friends with other girls, so that I don’t seem clingy and crazy and controlling, but inside I will be freaking out. I will be wondering whether she’s the one who will steal you away. I will be wishing that she’ll leave your life soon.
I will never trust you, even if you have proven your loyalty, even if you have done nothing to suggest you would stray, because I have been around cheaters. I have seen ‘perfect couples’ fall apart because one person decided to ruin everything with their mistress.
I don’t want to be the gullible girl who didn’t realize her person was cheating for months and assumed the relationship was going perfectly. But I don’t want to be the girl I am now either. The girl who struggles to believe in monogamy. In forever. In herself.
I don’t want to be the girl who is so insecure that she ruins every relationship she enters.