When You Are Insecure, You Look Like An Asshole

An insecure girl
Unsplash / Rakicevic Nenad

I look like an asshole whenever someone tries to flirt with me and I completely shut them down. I can’t imagine anyone falling for me, so when I’m complimented on how sexy I look, I assume the person is either joking or they want to use me. I assume it’s all a mean trick, so I leave before they have the chance to hurt me.

I look like an asshole whenever I refuse to accept a compliment. Instead of saying thank you in a polite way, I will argue with the person who was being nice to me. I will try to convince them they are wrong. I will let them know I don’t look pretty, I look like a mess.

I look like an asshole whenever I remain quiet in group conversations. I’m only keeping to myself because I’m worried about saying the wrong thing and looking like an idiot — but other people will assume I’m acting snobby. They will think I want nothing to do with them. They will think I’m being bitchy when I’m really just feeling insecure.

I look like an asshole whenever I show up late for work or class or a dinner date because it took me hours to pick out an outfit and swirl my eyeliner in the right way. Because I refused to leave the house until I looked presentable. I can never wear the first thing I put on, because I always find a flaw in myself that convinces me to change. I never feel comfortable in my skin, so I try to feel comfortable in my clothes, but that never works out well either.

I look like an asshole whenever I’m around other women who I’m threatened by. I hate myself and sometimes that translates into hatred for other people. When I see a girl who is prettier than me — and it looks like it comes naturally to her — then I become insanely jealous. I want nothing to do with her. I want her to disappear. I take my anger at myself out on her, because it’s easier than dealing with my own issues.

I look like an asshole whenever I brag about how much weight I’ve lost or how pretty my new earrings look. It’s rare for me to feel confident, so when the mood strikes, I get excited. I might post too many Instagram pictures in a row or stand a little too tall. I’m not trying to brag. I’m only trying to keep the feeling of pride alive, because I know it’s going to disappear soon.

I look like an asshole whenever my friends ask everyone to gather together for a group picture, because I’m the person who always shies away and avoids the camera. I don’t consider myself photogenic, so I know my smile is going to look strained or my pose is going to look forced or my eyes are going to end up half-closed. I don’t want an ugly photo of me floating around social media, unable to be removed, so I’ll ask to take the photograph for the group instead. I’ll isolate myself. I’ll force myself into the background instead of being a part of the fun.

I look like an asshole whenever my insecurity gets the best of me — and then I feel even more insecure than before. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Holly is the author of Severe(d): A Creepy Poetry Collection.

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