I’m Okay Today, But Tomorrow Is Going To Suck Again

Even though I have been struggling lately, today has been a good day. I am in a cheery mood for the first time in forever. I feel like everything is going to be okay. I feel like every little thing is perfect.

The only problem is that I have felt like this before. I have felt like my depression has disappeared and then a day or an hour or a minute later, everything changed. I went right back to being miserable. Struggling to pull myself out from bed. Feeling like I was an idiot for ever thinking things were getting better.

My life never go well for long. Whenever I’m happy, it’s only a matter of time until the walls come crumbling down around me. It’s like the universe needs to balance out my emotions. I get one day of happiness and then another month of misery. The bad days outweigh the good ones.

Even though I’m happy today, I’m terrified the feeling won’t last until tomorrow. I’m scared to get used to this feeling, because I don’t want to raise my expectations and end up disappointed again.

I don’t want to go back to feeling like living is pointless. I don’t want to go back to forcing smiles and faking laughs. I don’t want to go back to seeing the worst in every situation, to feeling like everyone hates me.

I want to hold onto this new feeling of hope. Of potential. Of possibility. I want to like myself. I want to trust myself. I want to believe in myself.

I want to keep feeling this way forever — but I know it is never going to last. I only get to feel normal for a short amount of time before slipping back into the darkness.

When that happens, it’s natural to assume I’m taking a step back, but I can’t keep thinking of it that way. I have to remember that everyone has good days and bad days. One bad day doesn’t mean I’m going backward. It doesn’t mean life is downhill from there.

I hate how rare it is for me to feel this way, like everything is okay, which is why I am going to appreciate the moment as much as I can. I am not going to let it go to waste.

I am going to be as productive as possible. I am going to enjoy myself as much as possible. I am not going to sit around and wait for something to go wrong. I am not going to tempt fate.

I am going to enjoy the moment. I am not going to think about the future or the past. I am going to live in the now, because tomorrow is something for the future me to worry about.

Right now, I am going to appreciate the calm. I am going to bask in the happiness. I am going to make the most out of my good days, because there’s no telling how long they are going to last and I might as well put them to good use.