Even though I have been struggling lately, today has been a good day. I am in a cheery mood for the first time in forever. I feel like everything is going to be okay. I feel like every little thing is perfect.
The only problem is that I have felt like this before. I have felt like my depression has disappeared and then a day or an hour or a minute later, everything changed. I went right back to being miserable. Struggling to pull myself out from bed. Feeling like I was an idiot for ever thinking things were getting better.
My life never go well for long. Whenever I’m happy, it’s only a matter of time until the walls come crumbling down around me. It’s like the universe needs to balance out my emotions. I get one day of happiness and then another month of misery. The bad days outweigh the good ones.
I don’t want to go back to feeling like living is pointless. I don’t want to go back to forcing smiles and faking laughs. I don’t want to go back to seeing the worst in every situation, to feeling like everyone hates me.
I want to hold onto this new feeling of hope. Of potential. Of possibility. I want to like myself. I want to trust myself. I want to believe in myself.
I want to keep feeling this way forever — but I know it is never going to last. I only get to feel normal for a short amount of time before slipping back into the darkness.
When that happens, it’s natural to assume I’m taking a step back, but I can’t keep thinking of it that way. I have to remember that everyone has good days and bad days. One bad day doesn’t mean I’m going backward. It doesn’t mean life is downhill from there.
I hate how rare it is for me to feel this way, like everything is okay, which is why I am going to appreciate the moment as much as I can. I am not going to let it go to waste.
I am going to be as productive as possible. I am going to enjoy myself as much as possible. I am not going to sit around and wait for something to go wrong. I am not going to tempt fate.
I am going to enjoy the moment. I am not going to think about the future or the past. I am going to live in the now, because tomorrow is something for the future me to worry about.
Right now, I am going to appreciate the calm. I am going to bask in the happiness. I am going to make the most out of my good days, because there’s no telling how long they are going to last and I might as well put them to good use.