I Wish I Could Cut You Out Of My World, But You Won’t Go Away

A girl who wants you to go away
Unsplash / Tyler Nix

One day, I am going to cut you out of my world completely. I am not going to text you on your birthday or stop by your house over the holidays. I am not going to give you my new address or ask my friends about you or update you on what’s going on inside my world. One day, you are only going to be able to refer to me in the past tense.

Unfortunately, it’s impossible to walk away from you right now. Circumstances that are out of my control are forcing me to see you. There is nothing I can do about it and it’s slowly eating away at my sanity.

All I want is to say goodbye, to put you in my past, to never see your face again. If you were gone, a weight would be lifted off my chest. I would finally be able to find peace.

Walking away sounds so easy in theory. But it’s not something I’m able to do right now. There are too many ties tethering us together. I couldn’t separate them even if I tried.

Well-meaning friends are telling me to be strong. To take the high road. To be the mature one. To just deal with it. To keep quiet to avoid starting more arguments. They think they are helping, but what they are really saying is tolerate the abuseLet this person treat you like shit until you are able to get away for good. 

I want to scream at you. I want to swing at you. But I know that will only make the situation worse. I know nothing will get solved by talking to you, even in a calm manner, because you won’t see reason. You won’t listen.

I’m struggling to deal with your presence in my life. After every interaction with you, I’m tempted to drink until I black out or throw your shit across the room or punch my fist through a wall — but I am not going to do any of those things. I am not going to stoop to your level.

You have ruined your own life — but you are not going to ruin mine.

I am not going to become a skeptic because of you. I am not going to grow bitter. I am not going to start seeing the worst in people. I am not going to let my experience with you taint my view on others.

You are an asshole. You are an exception. Not everyone is like you and I have to keep telling myself that. I have to keep reminding myself that I don’t deserve what you have put me through.

I do not want to become anything like you, angry and bitter and pissed at the world. That is why I am trying to deal with my pain in a productive way. I not going to stew in my anger. I am not going to cry my eyes out.

I am going to jump on the treadmill whenever I have pent up anger I need to release. Instead of thinking about you, I am going to call high school friends on the phone, friends I have gone way too long without hearing from, and talk to them about anything else but you. I am going to take an hour out of each week to talk to a therapist, even if it screws with my schedule.

I am going to love and laugh and live my best life because you don’t get to take that away from me. You don’t get to take away my sanity. My happiness. My trust in others.

You don’t get to ruin my life any more than you already have. TC mark

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