I don’t want to die, but there are days when I stay locked in my bedroom, suffocating under the covers, and I might as well be dead already, because I’m getting nothing done. I’m wasting away the hours. I’m existing instead of actually living. I’m letting my body rot because I don’t have enough energy to brush my hair or take a shower or answer my friends who keep asking me how I’ve been doing.
I don’t want to die, but I joke about death all the time. I joke about it because no one worries when they think I’m only kidding. When they assume I’m perfectly fine and am only trying to be ‘funny’.
I don’t want to die, but I keep hurting myself, sometimes on purpose and sometimes on accident. There is red in my eyes from the stress. There is a pain in my side from the anxiety. There are sleeves covering my arms to hide my skin.
I don’t want to die, but I am tired of living. I am tired of the world kicking me when I am already down. I want to fade away — just for a little while. I want a break. The kind of relaxation that sleep never gives me. I want to feel okay again.
But I don’t want to die, because I have so much to live for — even though there are days when I feel like I am never going to accomplish anything. When I feel like history keeps repeating itself. When I feel like my happiness only sticks around for a little while before it is taken away eventually.
I don’t want to die, because there are things I’m excited about that I would hate to miss out on. They might be small. The next episode of Shameless. My cousin’s spring wedding. Another bite of my favorite cheesecake. Another book from my favorite author.
I don’t want to die because I realize there are other ways to escape. I can read. I can write. I can run. I can drive. I can watch television. I can blast music. I can take a vacation.
I don’t want to die, because there are therapists who can make me feel better. Friends who can help me reevaluate my worth. Family members who I assume don’t understand but have secretly dealt with similar issues as me before.
I don’t want to die. What I really want is to live. What I really want is to find a reason to laugh louder, to smile with teeth, to actually be excited to get up in the morning instead of dreading the day ahead of me. What I really want is to appreciate myself more, to open my eyes wide enough to see how valuable I am.
I want to live. I want to grow. I want to flourish. That’s all I want. It’s going to take some time, but it will happen. I will be happy again.
If you are struggling, text CONNECT to 741741 or use Lifeline, because you matter. Your life has value. You are worth it, even if you aren’t able to see that yet.