I Couldn’t Love You The Right Way Because I Was Still Healing From An Ex

A girl who is healing
Unsplash / Easton Oliver

I shouldn’t have jumped headfirst into a relationship with you before I was ready to love again. I shouldn’t have forced myself to get close to you (to someone, to anyone) while I was still healing. I shouldn’t have let you fall in love with me when I was still in love with someone else.

I never meant to hurt you. I never meant for the relationship to become one-sided. I never meant to become the kind of person who I hate, the kind of person who I always complain about, the kind of person who has broken my heart before.

I thought that letting you into my life would help me forget about my last love. I thought that you would be a welcome distraction at first, but eventually, you would grow to become someone that I loved as much as the person who came before you.

From your point of view, it looks like I led you on. It looks like you were a second choice. It looks like I only invited you into my universe because I couldn’t stand to be alone.

Maybe those things are truer than I’d like to admit, but I want you to know that I never intended to hurt you. I want you to know that I really am sorry.

I couldn’t love you the right way because, at the time, I couldn’t even love myself. I was still busy hating myself from my last breakup. I was questioning everything. I was crying in private. I felt like a complete fuck up.

I couldn’t love you the right way because my last relationship left me with baggage. I was afraid to get too close to you. I was afraid you would hurt me the same way my ex had. So I ended up hurting you first. I became cold, unemotional, detached. I stopped trying, but that only made you try harder.

I couldn’t love you the right way because I had lingering feelings for my ex. I didn’t have enough time to get over them. I still thought about them all the time. I still replayed memories in my head, trying to figure out where it all went wrong. I never got the closure I needed from them and you ended up paying the price.

I couldn’t love you the right way because I pulled the shittiest move possible. I dated you, even though you weren’t the one I wanted to date. Whenever you kissed me, I was wishing I was kissing someone else. Whenever you texted me, I wished a different name popped onto the screen. I was still obsessed with the person who came before you. I still wanted them back.

I couldn’t love you the right way because I was never meant to be yours. We never made any sense together. We were just in the same place at the same time. But one day, you are going to find your real match. You are going to find a girl who would never hurt you the way that I have. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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