I Can’t Keep Pretending I’m Okay

Girl who is not okay
Unsplash / Taylor Hernandez

I can’t keep joking about my problems to act like they matter less than they do. I can’t keep acting like the funny friend because I don’t want to bother anyone with my issues. Because I don’t want anyone to realize that, beneath the jokes, I am secretly struggling.

I can’t keep forcing smiles that come a second too late, once I realize that the other person was expecting me to give them a reaction. I can’t keep playing the part of someone who has it all together, who has all the answers. I can’t keep helping my friends with their problems and pushing my own problems to the back of my mind for later.

I can’t keep sleeping extra hours so I don’t have to wake up and face my shitshow of a life. I can’t keep hiding inside of my bedroom with my music turned up loud because that’s the place where I feel the safest. I can’t keep ignoring texts and canceling plans because the thought of putting pants on is too much to handle, let alone the idea of actually going outside and socializing.

I can’t keep pretending the way I’m living my life is normal. I can’t keep acting like it’s no big deal when my anxiety and depression show up again because I’m used to it by now. I can’t keep acting like I don’t matter enough to get the help that I need.

I can’t keep posting pretty pictures on social media that make it look like I am living my best life. I can’t keep lying to make it look like everything is going well for me. I can’t keep up the charade for much longer.

I can’t keep treating myself like shit. I can’t keep expecting the worst case scenario to happen. I can’t keep insulting myself whenever the slightest thing goes wrong.

I can’t keep coping in the same unhealthy ways. I can’t keep drinking on weeknights and wearing long sleeves to hide what’s hidden underneath. I can’t keep hurting myself inside and out.

I can’t keep claiming I’m fine when I feel like a piece of myself is missing. When I feel so messed up that it’s no longer an emotional problem and has turned into something physical. Into a piece of my toros that is empty, airy, incorrect.

I can’t keep pretending I’m okay when I know that something significant needs to change. I can’t keep acting like things are going to get better without me putting in any effort. I can’t keep waiting for the day when I feel normal again instead of trying my hardest to make that day come early.

I need to get the help that I’ve put off looking for for too long. I need to talk to a trusted friend. I need to talk to a therapist. I need to figure out a way to make myself okay again. I need to figure out what the hell is going on with me. TC mark

The truth is that you can be struggling and still be loved.

You don’t have to solve your whole life tonight. You just have to show up and try. Focus on the most immediate thing in front of you. You’ll figure out the rest along the way.

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