I Am Tired

It doesn’t matter how many hours of sleep I get because I still wake up feeling tired. Mentally exhausted. No amount of coffee can cure it.

It’s tiring to repeat the same routine day after day. To know exactly what is going to happen in the morning because my world has become unsurprising, predictable. I wake up. I work. I watch television or scroll through social media or do whatever else I can to distract myself. And then I fall asleep again.

It’s tiring to keep convincing myself that everything is going to be okay, that things are going to get better, and then having more and more things go wrong around me. I keep forcing myself to think positive, to raise my expectations, but it’s only a matter of time until the disappointment sets in again.

It’s tiring to talk to people, even if they are close friends or family members, because the conversations are always the same. They ask the same questions. They complain about the same things, only on different days, using different words. Sometimes, it feels like the months on the calendar are falling away without any time passing. It feels like Groundhog Day.

It’s tiring bouncing back and forth between loving myself and hating everything about myself. I keep trying to put in effort instead of letting myself slack. I keep trying to find new ways to grow, but there are some days when that hard work falls away. When I feel like I am right back at square one.

It’s tiring being me lately. It’s tiring to feel this way when I know there is so much I have to look forward to in the future. When I know there is still so much of this world I haven’t explored and can change that at any point in time.

I want to better myself. I want to make a change that will expand my happiness, but I’m not sure what that would entail. I’m not sure what step I’m supposed to take next. I feel like I’m lost.

I want something, but I can’t put my finger on it. I don’t know exactly what it is — and maybe that’s because it isn’t a concrete thing like a new iPhone or a car or a boyfriend.

Maybe the only thing I want right now is happiness. Peace. Self-love. Self-respect. Maybe I just want to feel different, because what I’m feeling right now is numb. What I’m feeling right now I never want to feel again.

Even if I don’t have total control over my thoughts and my emotions, I have total control over my decisions, so I am going to make a change. I am going to discover what I want from this world and chase after it. I am going to give myself something to look forward to tomorrow while still trying my hardest to enjoy today.

I am finally going to wake myself up, because I am tired of sleeping with my eyes open.