I am slowly accepting that my love is not enough to change you. You are comfortable the way you are and no amount of nagging or crying or arguing from me is going to convince you to better yourself.
That is why I have to walk away from you. I have to throw up my hands and admit defeat.
I am not going to stay angry at you for what you have done. I am not going to focus on you. I am going to shift that focus onto myself.
After all, whenever I get upset with you, I’m the one who suffers the most. You don’t seem to feel any guilt over hurting me. Whenever you have apologized in the past, it was only to smooth things over, to stop me from screaming. You never really get upset when I’m upset. You never really care.
That is why it’s pointless for me to stew in my sadness, anger, bitterness, and resentment. It’s not going to convince you to change. It’s not going to make you feel bad. It’s only making me feel bad — and I’m tired of feeling sorry for myself. I’m tired of holding these feelings inside. I’m ready to release them.
I am slowly accepting my powerlessness over you. I used to think that I could make a difference, but I cannot. I cannot save you. I cannot fix you. I cannot be there for you any longer.
I can only save myself, because I do have power when it comes to my own world. I am able to turn my life around and I believe that will happen as soon as we give our goodbyes. As soon as I stop worrying about you and finally start worrying about myself for a change.
I have spent too much of my time thinking about you, gossiping to friends about you, stressing about what is going to happen tomorrow with you. Now, you are none of my business. You are being placed in the past, pushed to the back of my mind.
I am slowly realizing my selflessness wasn’t actually a good thing. It wasn’t romantic of me to put effort into our relationship when you never did the same. It wasn’t nice of me to keep giving you chances after you proved how awful you could treat me. It was stupid of me. You created a toxic situation and I encouraged it.
I am slowly learning that, from now on, I have to start acting selfish. I have start taking care of myself. Putting myself first. I can’t go out of my way for people who would never do the same for me. I have to push my guilt aside and start cutting people out of my world. I have to do what is best for me without worrying about hurting people who have already hurt me.
I am slowly accepting how bad you were for me. I am slowly inching away from your hold over me. I am slowly learning to think more of myself. I am slowly learning to live without you.