I feel like I am always going to be the backup plan. The second choice. The almost. The girl who comes close do getting the boy, but somehow comes up short.
No matter how much chemistry I have with someone, no matter how much potential we have, it always ends the same. With disappointment. With unmet expectations. With the words I’m not ready for a relationship right now.
There have been so many instances where I was good enough to text until midnight, good enough to get drinks with on the weekend, good enough to make out with on the couch — but not good enough to date. Not good enough for a title. Not good enough for a commitment.
It seems like every boy that I meet wants me to bend over backwards for him, but doesn’t want to give me what I want — and I feel like I’m not asking for much. I don’t consider it outrageous to want someone to text back, to take me to dinner, to only sleep with me. Those are basic things. Things I should be getting without having to beg.
I’m sick of getting relationship blue balls. Of assuming that a relationship is on the horizon, getting excited about that relationship, and then finding out that it isn’t actually going to happen. That I am going to be left frustrated and unfulfilled.
Disappointment is becoming a common part of my dating life. It doesn’t even surprise me anymore, but for some reason, it still hurts.
I can’t even get excited anymore when I meet someone new. By this point, I expect them to become another almost. I should give them the benefit of the doubt, but that’s hard to do when it seems like everyone only wants me around for a little while before growing bored and ghosting.
I know my worth and I know what I deserve, so I don’t want to blame myself, but it’s impossible not to wonder whether I’ve done something wrong when history keeps repeating itself with new people. Am I chasing after the wrong kind of boys? Am I waiting too long for them to ask me on an official date? Am I giving them too much space? Not enough space?
I feel like I can never win. I feel like modern dating is never going to give me a damn break.
I’m not sure how to stop the trend of becoming another almost. I’m worried that I’m going to keep getting stuck as just a friend forever when all I really want is an official title.
I want someone who is honest with me, not someone who plays games with me. I want someone who is serious about me, not someone who is okay with losing me. I want someone who keeps me in their world permanently, not temporarily until they find someone better.
I want someone who would never dream of considering me an almost because they want to spend every single day of the rest of their life alongside me.