I am a pessimist. My instinct is to expect the worst. When I meet someone new, it takes me a long time to trust them. Even if they are nothing but nice to me, I assume that there is something they want from me. A hidden motivation behind their kindness. Maybe they want sex. Maybe they want money. Maybe they want an ego boost.
I am suspicious when someone treats me well, because I am so used to being treated like a backup plan. I am used to being ignored. I am used to being disappointed.
I don’t know what to do when someone smiles at me with authenticity. When someone texts me out of the blue, just to ask me how I am doing. When someone shows a genuine interest in my world.
As much as I hate being the second choice, I am comfortable with it. I am used to it. I have accepted that is the part I will normally play.
When someone breaks the pattern I have grown accustomed to by treating me with kindness, my mind goes into overdrive. I start overanalyzing everything they say and do because they must have a secret reason for being nice to me. There must be something up their sleeve.
I never consider the possibility that they could be treating me well because they actually enjoy my company. Because they like spending time with me. Because they want a relationship with me.
I assume that everyone is hiding something. That everyone has secrets they are keeping close to their chest. That everyone will hurt me in the end because people are not to be trusted.
From experience, I know that people are liars. They are cheaters. They will say whatever it takes to get what they want. They will choose the selfish option over the selfless one. They will look out for themselves and won’t care who they hurt in the process.
My pessimism makes it hard for me to accept kindness. It makes it hard for me to let people inside. It makes it hard for me to open up my heart and give my trust to someone, because whenever I have trusted others in the past, I have been screwed over.
I have learned to expect the worst, because it is easier that way. Whenever I get hurt, I am disappointed, but I am never surprised. I expect it. I see it coming.
I have purposely turned myself into a pessimist because I don’t want to get hurt again. I don’t want history to repeat itself. I don’t want to blindly welcome people into my universe when there is a chance that they are going to walk away from me.
It’s not easy for me to push aside my trust issues and outstretch my arms — so if I let you get close to me, then you know that I like you a lot. So you better not hurt me like the rest of them have. You better not give me a reason to close myself off again.