I don’t trust most people. I assume they are going to hurt me. They are going to disappointment me. They are going to break my heart. They are going to get bored of me. They are going to betray me.
I am terrified of committing to someone and being cheated on years into the relationship. But I don’t want to be the person who guesses email passwords, who reads through texts, who searches the trash for condoms. I don’t want to be the person who feels insecure every time a pretty waitress walks over to the table or every time my partner comes home a little late from work.
That is why I keep my distance from most people. I avoid jumping headfirst into relationships. I am cautious. I question anyone who wants to date me. Why do they want to date me? Are they serious about committing to me? Am I enough for them? Or are their eyes going to wander, are their feet going to stray, are they going to end up cheating when the honeymoon phase fades away?
I don’t want to sound like such a pessimist, but I expect the worst from people. I assume they are only out for themselves. I assume they are selfish. I assume they will do whatever the hell they want without taking my feelings into consideration.
I have a hard time believing that someone will be willing to commit to me and only me. That they will never touch another girl again. That I am more than enough for them.
It goes without being said that I don’t trust people often. So if I actually let you into my heart, if I actually date you, if I actually trust you, then you better not screw me over. You better not give me a reason to doubt you.
If you do, then I am never going to be able to trust anyone else again. I am never going to be able to hand my heart over to another.
If you screw me over, I am going to lock my heart back inside its cage. I am going to distance myself again. I am going to stay single forever.
If I actually trust you, you better not screw me over, because once you make one mistake our relationship is done. I won’t accept excuses about how you were drunk or how the other person initiated it or how it was only one kiss. I won’t stay with someone who has trouble staying faithful.
It’s hard to gain my trust in the first place. So if you lose it somehow, you are never going to earn it back. You are going to become a piece of my past. A lesson learned. A warning to never let anyone get this close to me again.
If I actually trust you, don’t you dare screw me over. If you do, then you are going to regret it as much as I’ll regret ever giving you a chance in the first place.