I suck in social situations. It’s rare for me to find someone I can talk to without stuttering, someone I can look directly in the eyes without blushing. It’s not everyday that I stumble across someone who makes me forget about how awkward I am, someone who makes me feel normal again.
But I always felt comfortable with you. Our conversations never felt forced. I could talk to you for hours without running out of topics to cover. I could even flirt with you without feeling like a complete idiot.
I never had to hold myself back around you. I was free to be my authentic self. Unlike everyone else, I never had to wear a mask in front of you. I never felt the need to play pretend. I could say what I was thinking. I could talk without worrying about whether I would say the wrong thing.
Whenever I was with you, I stopped overthinking. I stopped overanalyzing. I lived in the moment for the first time in my life. I enjoyed what was happening between us. I existed in the present.
I normally suck at keeping in touch with people, but I answered your texts as soon as they lit up my phone. I normally cancel plans at the last second, but I never broke a promise to you. I normally bottle my emotions up inside, but I let you know exactly how I felt about you.
Maybe I never told you that I liked you, but I showed you in every way that I could. I sat side-by-side with you, even though I usually prefer my personal space. I told you everything, even though I usually keep my thoughts in my head. I flirted with you, even though I usually admire people from afar.
I’m the kind of person who likes to stay home, the kind of person who prefers to set plans in advance, but whenever you asked me, I would show up. I would walk out of class (and risk having everyone stare at me) to answer your phone calls. I would ruin my routine to drive to your house in the middle of the night.
I broke my schedule for you. I did things out of the ordinary for you.
I’m not the kind of person who finds friends everywhere, the kind of person who can start up a conversation with a stranger on line at the grocery store, which is why our almost relationship sucked so much.
I thought that we had something real. Something that mattered. It’s hard for me to find other people who I genuinly connect with, who I can talk to without feeling judged, without feeling out of place, without feeling uneasy.
Almost relationships suck for introverts like me, because it took courage for me to open up to you as much as I did. To become close with you. To trust you.
I never wanted to throw what we created away, because it might not have been rare for you, but it was rare for me.