Inside Of My Mind, You Are Still Alive

You are still alive, because I refuse to let your memory die. You mean too much for me to just forget about you. I can never wipe your face from my mind, and I am not going to wipe your name from my vocabulary either. I am going to keep talking about you even if it hurts. I am going to remember the fun times we had even if it makes me break down in tears. 

You deserve to be talked about. You deserve to be bragged about. Your memory deserves to be kept alive.

And inside of my mind, you are still alive, because all of the lessons that you taught me are locked inside of me. You passed your knowledge down. You taught me about strength. You taught me about self-love. You taught me about pushing on. You taught me to never give up on myself, because any pit can be climbed out of with enough effort.

You are still alive, because I keep your picture next to my bedside so that I see it every single day. I will never forget the way that your lopsided smile looked. I will never forget the shade of your eyes. I will never forget you, because I have reminders of you placed all around my apartment. Sometimes, it still feels like you are right there with me. 

You are still alive, because every time that I close my eyes, I can picture you perfectly. Scenes from the past replay inside of my head at night — and there are times when I can even imagine new scenes, memories that would have taken place if you were still here. I can imagine what you would have said to me, when you would have hugged me, how proud you would have been of me.

You are still alive, because everyone in my life knows your name. Even if they never had the chance to meet you in person, they know all about you. They know how much you meant to me — and how much you still mean to me. They know that I wouldn’t have become the person that I am today without your help.

You are still alive, because I talk about you all the time. I see your favorite candy sitting on store shelves and point out how they were always your favorite. I hear your favorite song and mouth the lyrics as I picture you singing. I tell funny stories about you that everyone in my life has already heard multiple times before, but continue to listen to, because they know how important it is for me to keep your memory alive. 

Inside of my mind, you are still alive, because there are moments when I forget that you are gone. When I expect you to text me or show up at the front step. My brain has trouble wrapping around the idea that you’re gone, because it is so ridiculous. You aren’t supposed to be somewhere else. You are supposed to be close by, within reach.

This wasn’t supposed to happen. Not to you.