I Am Happier Than I Have Ever Been, But There Is Still Something Missing

Girl who is happier than she has ever been
Unsplash / Pete Bellis

I am happier now than I have ever been before, but that doesn’t mean that my life has been smooth sailing. I have lost people I loved. I have been hurt by people I trusted. I have lived through hell.

I am happier now than I have ever been before, but that doesn’t mean I have to be happy all of the time. That doesn’t mean that I can’t have my bad days. That doesn’t mean that I’m not allowed to listen to sad songs and mope around in my pajamas all weekend long.

I am happier now than I have ever been before, but there are still days when I struggle to get out of bed. When I give into temptation and press snooze, because the thought of actually starting my day, of actually being a productive member of society, is too much to take.

I am happier now than I have ever been before, but I still find valid (and not-so-valid) reasons to complain about my life. I still get angry over stupid stuff. I still curse beneath my breath and send long text rants to my best friends. I still let my pessimism take control of me.

I am happier now than I have ever been before, but my brain doesn’t always remember that. My anxiety makes me think that something is wrong, that everything is wrong. My depression makes me think that there isn’t a point in moving, there isn’t a point in breathing.

I am happier now than I have ever been before, but there are still toxic people from my past that I miss. Even though I know I’m better off without them, even though I have promised myself I will never let them back into my life, I miss the way things used to be. I miss having them by my side.

I am happier now than I have ever been before, but there are still areas where my life could improve. I could be making more money. I could be seeing my friends more. I could be exercising more. I could be learning more.

I am happier now than I have ever been before, but that happiness doesn’t feel like enough. All of the hard work that I’ve been putting into my career doesn’t feel like enough. I feel like I should be doing more, but I’m not sure what I should be doing exactly. I’m not sure what path I should be taking next.

I am happier now than I have ever been before, but I still feel like something important is missing. I feel like there is more to life than what is already in front of me. I feel like I haven’t figured myself out yet.

I am happier now than I have ever been before, but I am still not satisfied. I still want more. Maybe that means I’m greedy or maybe it means that I have the drive I need to succeed in this world.

Maybe it means that I will always push myself forward, that I will never stay stuck in one place. TC mark

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