I have had my heart shaken, shattered, slit in halves.
I have been lied to, led on, and disappointed by people who swore they would never hurt me. People who promised me that they would be there for me forever and always.
After all of the heartaches that I have suffered through, I should be a cynic. I should be the kind of person who accepts that alone is better, that relationships aren’t as important as everyone else claims they are.
I should shake my head when someone new asks me out to dinner because I know it isn’t going to lead anywhere good. I should stop believing in love. I should swear off of dating forever. I should stop searching for my forever person.
But somehow, even though I know deep in my gut that most people cannot be trusted, I am still a closeted romantic. I am still not a cynic. And I try not to be too skeptical when someone is nice to me, when someone shows me a glimmer of kindness. I try to keep my heart, and my arms, open wide.
Even though I have been hurt before, I still try to be the best partner I can be. I will put my full faith into a relationship, even though there’s a voice in the back of my mind warning me that I could be making a massive mistake, that this could all end in pain.
I will put all of my affection and effort into the other person, even though I know there is a chance it won’t be returned, that the relationship will tip to one side like it usually does. But I will take the risk, because the reward is too valuable to pass up.
I know it would be wrong to let my past impact my future. That it would be unfair to blame a new person for the things that an ex did to me. I refuse to allow the cracks in my heart to scare me away from loving again. I refuse to let cynicism win.
Of course, I am a work in progress. I am not always going to say the right things. Sometimes I will ask extra questions because I doubt what you’re saying is the truth. Sometimes I will pull away because things are moving too fast. Sometimes I will get scared of how much I like you, of how much pain you could cause me if you decided to leave on a whim.
But I am going to try my hardest to push my fears away. I am going to actively try to become the best partner I can be.
Even though I have been hurt before, that was before. That was with someone else. That was with someone who wasn’t you.
You deserve the best of me — and I’m going to try to give it to you — even though there’s always a chance that this will end in even bigger flames than my last loves.